The most important question you'll ever ask

We are all in search of something. We are always evolving, changing.

But what if this wasn't true. What if all that matters is something you've had all along.

Before death, you are stripped of everything and left with just one thing;

Yourself.

Perhaps the most important question you'll ever ask is who is that person?

Moment of the week

I'm at work, jamming to some music with my co-workers.

me: Hey guys? Do you ever break out into dance when you're alone in your house?

Dennis: Ummmmm. Noooo (pause for 2 seconds) but I can see you doing that.

(everyone starts laughing)

Jeremy: OMG. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

me (silently thinking): What the hell is so funny about breaking out into random dance?

Bleak

It seems like with the end of summer, so to comes the end of my blissfulness. Rosie's dad has decided to step back into her life. It's been not even a week and I find myself completely drained. I feel depressed, I can't sleep and Rosie has picked up on my carefully hidden emotions.

I haven't slept more than 2 hours at a time in 5 days. Rosie is restless. She can't sleep and thrashes around, waking up every 30 mins and crying herself back to sleep. I lie in my room staring at the ceiling. My nerves are frayed, my attention is zapped and I feel like I'm going to break any second. Custody talks are not going well. Why is it that after disappearing for 6 months, 3 days after my lawyer calls, D appears at the doorstep of his parents begging to let him move back home? He has broken up with his girlfriend and needs a place to re-collect his life. He realizes his "mistakes" and wants to start fixing things.

A 15 minute talk alone with him is like pounding my head against brick. He still lies, he still exaggerates, and he still has his head stuck up his ass. He says all the perfect things, but I hear undertones of deceit. Something in my core is telling me not to trust him, don't give him an inch but will the necessary people see these things too. I wonder at his sudden return home. Is this a stupid scheme to devoid me from sole custody? Does he drive back to his girlfriend every evening to reassure her that I will drop everything and he'll be back soon? He is still paying rent and I have seen her calling him.

I need to protect my daughter from him but I don't know how to. Was I wrong to keep her? Would she have a better life if she had a mother and a father? I rock her to sleep in the dark, door closed, muffling all sound. Just me and her... I am humming our lullaby. The sound bounces off the walls making the small room feel bare. I feel the responsibility of her precious life bearing down on me. I feel so alone. At the end of the day, I am all she has.

The first thing my best friend's dad said when he saw Rose was, "Ah. A baby raising another baby". He lay his hand on Rosie's forehead for a minute and shuffled away shaking his head.

Miss Incredible

I'm in shock. Rosie only cried for 30 minutes before falling asleep! Ferberization = success!!!! Ok, it's really only day two but both nights, she's only cried for half an hour vs. the hour and a half last time :-)

I feels weird being "normal" again. I almost didn't know what to do with my sudden spare time. It's incredible how that one effort of pushing Rosie out of my bed has done. I can DO stuff when she sleeps. I don't quite know how to explain this shining, white light that seems to have fallen upon me. ha ha. Incredible.

However, with every up, there's a down. Rosie is behaving wonderfully but my teenage sister is not. My family is being attacked by the teenage rebellious stage. It's getting annoying. My sister is delusional and thinks that she can survive on her own and doesn't need us. If we say no to any of her commands, she disregards it and walks out. My mom pulled a leg muscle this week and had to take care of Rosie. She asked my sister if she could refrain from going shopping to stay and watch Rose. My sister left anyways. I've tried talking to her maturely and dripping with empathy but she's taking it the wrong way. She's twisting it to benefit her. I'm at my wits end. My last attempt to smack some sense into her is with "the experiment".

She thinks she can live on her own, I'm going to let her (to a certain extent). If you want to live on your own, then you better prove that you're financially able to or else the homeless shelter is where you'll find yourself. She can do whatever she wants but rent, utilities, groceries will need to come from somewhere. Oh, and feeding herself might become burdensome.

It's frustrating that in a time when she should be focusing on applying for college and university, she's going to be scrambling to realize that her knowledge of the world is a lot smaller than she thought. It's going to be a hard lesson but one she'll have to take or I'm afraid my parents will soon snap and ask her to leave permanently. I would describe my used-to-be sweet sister as the typical, conformed teenager with no passion (except texting and shopping), no goals and livin' in the suburb bubble. I was pretty stupid when I was a teenager, but my sister has surpassed me.

Another tidbit of news, Rose's dad has broken up with his crazy girlfriend and has moved back home. What a stroke of luck (this is sarcasm). This happens 3 days after he receives a call from my lawyer informing him that I have filed for sole custody. We shall see what happens. I will need to talk to D soon. I hired my lawyer to do this for me, but he made me realize that I could only hide so much from D. My lawyer won't always be there to talk for me. I am procrastinating so much. All instinct is telling me to not give him an inch, don't give him a chance to ever hurt Rosie again. My heart is asking to be compassionate and to believe that maybe, good will prevail.

It doesn't help that he's appearing in every dream again.