Finding Passion

Oh my. It's already 2 o'clock and I haven't started any school work.

I've re-filled my water bottle, smeared wonderful smelling shea butter on my hands, put on some soft music and am ready to pour out my soul into today's blog post.

I'm having a baby. Just wanted to state that and move on. I'm going to do it. I'm going to be a mother and everything else that I want to be in the world.

I'm in no rush to reach all my dreams, I mean, half the fun is in the adventure to get their right?

As I'm writing today's blog, I'm also doodling in my art book.... in WATER COLORS! I haven't painted in years.

And as soon as I wrote that, I ran through my room and my sister's room trying to locate my water color pencils. Found them! ... in the bottom drawer at the back of my sister's closet.

Yesterday, I talked about happiness. I thought about happiness. I cannot conclude anything about happiness.

In my mind... it's a no brainer what happiness is, but when I try and write it out, try to apply it.... blankness. I think the reason the idea of happiness has suddenly taken over my life this past week is because I went from knowing what made me happy to NOT knowing. I was, out of nowhere, faced with all these options that forced me to think of other ways I could make myself happy. And not just short-term happiness; I had to unexpectedly re-evaluate everything I knew about my long-term happiness. What makes me happy? Are the things that make me happy right or wrong?

Thinking about happiness is getting me nowhere.

Passion however. Passion is something I can hold in my hands.

I am passionate about living life as fully as I can. I am passionate about creating and keeping meaningful friendships. I am passionate about creating things with my hands and my mind. I am passionate about learning and using that knowledge to change the world. I am passionate about clothes and creating beauty. I am passionate about writing and observing the world. I am passionate about being an individual and being one-of-a-kind.

My passions are what make me who I am. It's what makes me different from another person and another and another.

I've been going crazy on the internet; twittering, meeting all these new people.

People who I find inspirational.

People who I find fascinating.

People who I find insightful.

People who I find funny.

People who are amazing artists.

I've been reading about these people and I want to be them. They have one clear voice. One clear mind. I want to do the things they were doing because it would make me more like them.... and I'd be admired. (Twisted thinking?? Yes... I'm well aware of that).

I've been so jumbled up lately that untwisting myself has been painful. But, I'm getting there. I can feel it in my bones that my time for change is coming. I've been begging to God for years to change my life.... and it has come.

I always tell my friends, if you don't bother changing your shitty life now, God will do it for you and it probably won't be an easy win that He throws you.

Well, my throw was a baby and re-figuring my life has taken many sleepless nights, so much re-thinking and so so many tears. But, it's almost over. All the pieces are starting to fall permanently in place.

So, I've decided. I've decided where I want to go in life. What I want to do with life. (notice I say WITH not IN).

I started off with thinking about a word. In one word, how would I describe myself. Artist was the first thing that popped into my head. This actually surprised me; I haven't considered myself a true artist since I was a kid with all my pencil crayons, paints and paper. But, I realized that the term artist doesn't have to involve just art art... like a true artist, art can be molded into another form.

My art is more the art of the mind. I like thinking, I like dreaming. So my art is the art of my dreams which I plan on materializing into life.

Life is short. You have to organize your life efficiently in order to maximize your time here on Earth. I like being busy; having things to do, but this last trimester, I've found myself with so much free time that I end up filling my time with small things that I enjoy. Who cares if it furthers my career or if it increases my learning! It makes that one day a little bit more special.

With this social media phenomenon, people are rushing back to their computers to see what's been happening since they last checked. That stuff is fun but, you can't live life through a computer screen. Virtual relationships are great... but what about the relationship you have with yourself? I really enjoy writing my blog. I do it for myself and for whoever else is interested, but that's not my priorty. I keep reading lists and lists of how to make your blog stand out from the crowd.

1. Choose a topic. 2) Write frequently. 3) Cater to your audience..........
   

I don't want to do that. Not yet. I just want to keep things simple and write about my life. I've learnt so much from just observing and hearing about other people's lives. I want to be able to do that for somebody else.

I have lots of talents, abilities, knowledge. I don't WANT to just choose one or two that I'm good at and focus on that. That's too stifling for my personality. So, I decide that I'm just going to do everything and see how that goes.

I don't want my blog to be stable. I want it to reflect exactly how I think and what I'm experiencing at that moment. It's my story.

So here's where I'm going from here. I'm going to really start up my underwear business because I just LOVE underwear too much. I couldn't decide which project to start on but I feel like being crafty so underwear is definitely the way to go.

I'm going to NOT let the business overload my life by taking some easy measures

• Meditate before going to bed
  
• Breathe in some fresh air everyday (even if that means sticking my nose out my window for 5 mins)
  
• Blogging as often as I can.... writing is a way to keep me on track and to just think outloud
  
• Simply take some time off and re-evaluate when needed. The fear of losing my passion will keep me from falling off the wagon.
  

I like multi-tasking. I'm really good at it. So I'm not worried about losing my path again. I just have to focus on what I want and keep focusing on it until I don't want to anymore.

I know where my priorities lie (which makes life a lot easier). I'm going to finish my little painting and finish my funeral plan for school.

No rush... everything will happen in time.

Designing Happiness

My best friend found his hero this holiday. He described the guy as really "special".

This guy was a loner. He was extremely anti-social and was doing nothing with his life.
He worked, went home, went to bed, and then woke up to start the cycle again. The most mundane, un-meaningful life one can imagine.

One day, he woke up and realized that he hated himself. He hated how he looked, how he spoke, how he acted, how he lived. He hated everything.

In that instant, he decided that he wanted to change.

People say this all the time. People also know that the change rarely lasts.

I love the feeling I get from working out. At least once a month, I make a vow and a detailed plan laying out how I'm going to get my ass to the gym. I've only followed through 3 times with each attempt lasting for about 1 week.

The BIG question in life is why can't we permanently change? I took a managing change course last semester and my prof spent a full lecture on this idea of why people can't change. His conclusion? It is IMPOSSIBLE to change. Period.

"It's not about changing", he said. "It's about adapting". I actually kept the notes I took that day but for the life of me, I can't find it right now. I'll get back to this idea after I find my papers. He had a very sound theory.

Anyways, this whole idea of change is in an attempt to do what? Create happiness right? People want to be happy and successful and, often, they don't know how to. This blog I like to follow, Presentation Zen, laid out 9 Simple Ways to Bring Happiness into your Life.

This got me thinking about people's pursuit to happiness. How do individuals find happiness in their lives? What do they do to make their lives happy?

The first article I read got me thinking about how insanely busy women find happiness. With this baby, I'm forced to think about joining these ranks.

Everyone has a different view and idea of happiness. Some people argue that happiness comes from living a balanced life. Some say it's from having children. Some say it's from having a successful career. Others argue happiness comes from religion.

For me, happiness comes from within. Live your life keeping true to yourself.

I find happiness in the simple things; like a big, comfy chair to read in. I have a huge list in my precious notebook that is titled: ALL I REALLY WANT IN LIFE. I have stuff like: big windows, ONE pretty, wooden cutting board I can cut and serve food on, to sit on a beach at least once a year, etc.

I'm in a constant battle with myself over whether to keep my baby or give her up for adoption. I think about it all the time.

At the end of the day, happiness is my biggest deciding factor. I WANT to be happy. I want MY BABY to be happy. The question is.... how am I going to achieve this?

I can't help but think about how much I'm setting back my career for the baby. But then, sometimes I think that I CAN DO IT! I could be a mother to this baby AND have a fun, marketing-crazy job. I feel selfish that the baby doesn't really come first (I DO!). Still, I think the baby's life will be happier if I'm happy, right? As I was growing up, my mother was very unhappy with her life. My dad's side of the family are assholes. I have a lot of bad memories from my childhood. Lots of yelling, resentment, sadness.

Children can FEEL that stuff even if you don't voice it. I want my baby to be raised in a happy atmosphere. I want it ALL. I want everything in life. My mom says I want too much and that I won't get it and become depressed. I don't know. I want my daughter. I want her to be happy. I want to be happy. I want a successful career. I want to start my own business. I want to change the world. I want to be a good mother.

Happiness is something we all struggle for. How we find it will be different. I know that if I stay true to my heart, I will be able to create my happiness.

When I heard about my best friend's "hero", I was inspired. Here's a story about a guy who had nothing and changed his life and found happiness. His story is what invigorated me to start thinking about my life in terms of happiness.

In my next post, I'll continue telling the story about this "hero".

The unconvienent alien attack

It's 9:37 pm and I'm already in bed. My exhaustion is not due to any strenuous labor but due to me not sleeping last night because I was sure that aliens were in my house.

I woke up with a start around 4am (I refused to look at the clock because that usually just stresses me out even more). ,My awakening was due to the sound of something massive landing on my roof. It sounded at least 30-40 lbs. After some quick calculations, I decided the only reasonable answer was that aliens had landed on my roof. This was my conclusion because:

1. something had hit the roof... NOT fallen off of it.
2. nothing that is over 30 lbs could land on my roof in the middle of winter

Therefore, aliens were the only reasonable explanation.

I spent the next 3 hours contemplating how I should proceed with the alien invasion. Should I check up on my sister in case they were dissecting her body? I know I would much appreciate it if I was in her position. I decided not to check on her because I'm a chicken and had a baby to think about. I then started to worry about the possibility that the aliends would LOVE to dissect me because I was pregant. I mean, who doesn't want to see the real anatomy of a pregnant woman. How does that baby fit in there?????

During this time, 3 more "aliens" hit my roof.

I finally fell asleep as light was shining through my blinds. Stupid aliens ruining my precious sleep.....

Thank you Scarlett

I was at Shoppers today waiting in line (for what seemed forever) and I saw this picture of Scarlett Johansson on the cover of Glamour magazine. I LOVE THE SHIRT! Well, I love Scarlett too. The girl looks always beautiful and classy.

I'm surprised I haven't mentioned it on my blog my INTENSE love for fashion (and all things beautiful). My dream has always been be a fashion designer. Unfortunately, I don't have much money or time to be much of a fashionista. The days that I try, I can pull a look together pretty uniquely. Some of my happiest moments in life are when I'm creating something, whether its sewing a evening gown, a drawing of the moon or an awesome powerpoint presentation. I just love creating visual beauty (inner beauty is just as enjoyable but not as satisfying when you can see it). I guess, when I saw this photo, it reminded me of my dream.

With all that's going on, I'm finding it really hard to get back on my path. My path was somewhat simple before the baby. I was going to go to fashion design school, get an amazing internship and work my ass off to acheive my dream of owning my own clothing company. This dream made me smile and feel hopeful now matter how bad my life was going or how horrible I was feeling.

I don't plan on ever letting go of my dream.... I just don't know how to achieve it anymore. The past few weeks have been really dragging me down. I've tried really hard to stay positive but I was stupid and let myself imagine keeping the baby... and suddenly, I can't think of anything else. Usually nothing can seep into my mind when I'm dreaming of my designing future.... but my baby has managed to worm its way in. My precious, little baby has such a pull to it. I try so hard to keep myself apart from the baby; to not get attached because I know that the best thing for the baby is to be adopted. It's the only hope for this baby to have a stable, normal future.

But then I think, hey, maybe my baby doesn't want a stable, normal life. What if I could manage giving it a loving home and still live my dream. It would be perfect... but will I ever achieve it? I've always been one to think that a person makes their future. God watches over and every once in a while will throw you a good luck bone, but our paths are made by us. I will control my life and make my dreams reality... but can I do it with a baby? Sometimes, I think that keeping the baby will help push me more. But then I think of what money is going to feed it.... and my mind pulls a blank. Benefits? How am I going to pay for dental if I have no benefits while slaving away in design school? Who's going to watch the baby while I'm at school???
All these practical things pop to mind, and I just don't see how I'm going to combine my 2 biggest wants in life.
Stupid Dan. If he was around, at least I'd have some money helping me out and a babysitter.

Thank you Scarlett for reminding me of my dream. Let's see if I can figure out what to do now.