I don’t care if I can or can’t. I’m going to do it anyways.

He's Mr.Big.

D.... I've realized that he is my version of Mr. Big.

I've just spent the last 4 hours watching Sex and the City: Season 3: Disc 3. And I get it. I finally get why this show is so popular.

Sex and the City gives me that "feeling".

The "feeling" that life out there could be some much better; so much different. Life can be filled with shoes, fashion, laughs, men and independence. Is it ironic that I'm having this "feeling" with only 2 weeks away before I pop out a baby?

Back to Mr. Big. If you've never watched a Sex and the City episode, let me quickly update you. Mr. Big is Carrie Bradshaw's (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) man-child ex-boyfriend turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend, etc, etc. He is her central relationship. THE relationship that revolves around all her relationships (and there have been many). He's the one guy she always obsesses about and can never truly get out of her life. They have this spark, this underlying connection that always flows in-between their exchanges. He has this pull on her. He just has to smile and she back in the palm of his hand thinking that she knows who he truly is.

Sound familiar to anyone?

It's pretty much the delusion that almost all women fall for. We think we know the guy, we think we have this deep understanding that no one else has with him. But are we wrong? Are we thinking this way to make ourselves feel more special or is it true?

I'm totally pulling a Carrie Bradshaw. But I warned you.... I'm experiencing the "feeling".

I realized yesterday that whether D and I want it or not, we're going to be spending the rest of our lives together, connected by this one child. Is it ironic that one year ago from today, I was telling D that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, only to break up realizing I didn't want to spend another minute with him..... only to have fate make sure that he never gets out of my life? Is he Mr. Big?

Mr. Big is exactly like D. A child stuck in a man's body with man responsibilities. A man-child who thinks that just because he has a man's body, he can do whatever he wants, have whatever he wants and use anyone he wants. He takes advantage of Carrie, even though he knows he can't make her happy. He knows that she loves him and uses that to make himself feel better when he's in the shitter. Who cares if Carrie gets hurt? She'll always forgive him and be there because she loves him. She loves him..... and all she ever gets is hurt.

Is this who I'm doomed to be like? A successful, independent, brilliant woman who never really gets her heart back?

Whatever...

I don't care if I can or can't. I'm just going to do it anyways.

It takes two

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder... How the hell did I get here? When this thought comes up, I find myself staring off into space and thinking of only one thing: where is he?
I try so hard to stay positive, to focus on always moving forward and to try and forget the past. But I find that as the big day looms closer.... I'm starting to feel more alone and more scared. I never realized just how lonely "motherhood" is. The livelihood of this precious being lies completely in my hands. The future of so many lives rest on the decisions I make today. What I hate the most is that this is such a new thing for everybody. It's like a trek across a field riddled with landmines. Trial and error seem to be the only way to get to the other side.

How did I get here? I have 2 journals filled with entries on D. Every night, I'm overwhelmed by this need to relive my past. A past where I was so happy. So consistently and unquestionable happy. Every night, I open up one of these journals and read my entries that seem to have been written so long ago. Afterwards, I read the date and realize it was only 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 9 months ago. I have lost so much and have gained so much... but the weight of what I've lost seems to shadow the things I've gained. I miss my best friend so much. I miss the only person I can honestly say knew me better than I knew myself. I miss the small things like the comfort of knowing he was only a phone call away, smiling when I saw his number calling me, the hugs. I see him now and it's like looking into the eyes of a stranger. I try my best to avoid looking at him because the pain is just overwhelming sometimes. How did we get here? We spent 2.5 years giggling and whispering into the phone every night, confiding everything to each other. We'd catch each others' eyes from across the room and instantly know what the other was thinking. I came across a picture of us taken 2 summers ago. We were sitting together at a friend's party. His arms were around me, our fingers intertwined and we were just smiling so happily at each other.

Love is a dangerous game. The bigger the love.... the more threatening the game. I keep seeing my friends one by one lose their loves either due to careers, other people or just the slow dying of the feelings. Hindsight is a bitch. If I could, I would call him right now and just apologize for being a stupid, naive girl who foolishly let herself fall in love. I would apologize for demanding such ridiculous expectations like phonecalls every night, hanging out with me all the time, including me in every part of your life. These things seem so small and juvenille in hindsight. I promise that if given another chance, I'd do it better. I'd make him so happy that he'd never think twice about leaving me. Maybe then, I'd have the strength to keep my baby.
But the reality is that it takes two to make a relationship work. It takes two to complete a child's life. It takes two to fix what has been broken. I can't do it all. I've tried and I've failed so many times. I was trying to explain to my friend the other day the fall of heartbreak. How, even though it may seem impossible, climbing out of the fog of pain is possible. Once you hit rock bottom, there's nowhere else to go but up. I've hit rock bottom more times that I care to remember. I've blocked so many memories of those painful months that when the time has come for me to retell my experiences to others to try and help them... I'm faced with a black wall.

I walk around trying to put my strongest foot forward, to keep my head up high and my eyes on the my dreams. I apoligize to my friends for not being better able to tell them how to get through these horrible times, but hopefully, they can look at me and realize that the other side is there.... and happiness can be felt again. It may not be as complete as what it used to be, but it's there and it's presence is still worth every effort.
I may not be strong enough to keep my baby or fix my broken relationship.... but I am strong enough to not lose hope that maybe.... maybe this all happened for a reason and one day, I'll be able to be completely happy again as I was 9 months ago.

Quote of the Day

"You don't really know a man until you have a child with him. Then you see so much. Is he kind? Is he tolerant? Is he boring? Is he loving? Or is he immature and egotistical and selfish?"

-Canadace Bushnell, One Fifth Avenue

Dear DD

My biggest question in life is why? Why did you fall in love with me? Why did you say we'd be together forever? Why did you ever bother to look at me if you knew that one day, you'd just break my heart and leave?
After all the tears you've put me through.... after the countless number of times you've walked away from me.... why do I still love you?
Why are you the one I dream of every night? Why are you the one that keeps me up at night? I lie in bed, so angry at all the things you've done. I'm filled with so much hate and pain that I vow every night that this is it; I'll move on and never look back. I will never let you hurt me again.
Why are you the first thing I think of when I wake up? I leave my dreams of you and open my eyes to an empty world it seems. There's no you to laugh with. There's no you to confide to. There's no you to hold my hand as I go down this hard road.

I wake up every morning for our child. I keep moving and breathing for our child. And through this child, I pour all the love I have for you, and yet, not a day goes by when I secretly don't wish that I would give up everything, just to have you with me again, even if for a day. I've never regretted our baby. I always said that you and I were like 2 puzzle pieces. Alone, we were just ordinary objects but when put together, we made a beautiful picture. You were everything I wasn't. You were simple, carefree, always willing to love, so non-judgmental. I was everything you weren't. I was the quiet one, the reflective one, the one who kept us going.
I remember all the fights we had. I was always so quick to give up on us and you never let me. You fought everytime I left and I always came back. I never knew someone could love me so much. I always came back. Why then won't you come back?

I keep you at an arms distance. Everyone warns me not to involve you.... to just move on and focus on myself and the baby. When I see you, I hide everything. I talk to you with a mono-tone voice, not revealing that all I want to do is beg for you to come back. I look at you with unfeeling eyes, trying not to show that the depth of love I feel. I walk away, and fight running back to you with every step. I still love you.... just as much as I did when you first swept me off my feet. I'll love you forever.... just like I told you I would each time you held me.

But I'm done fighting for you. I'm done wasting my breath with words that just get swept off your ears. I'm done listening to lie after lie.
I believe that you will one day you will wake up. That the fear that keeps you running will fade and that my old Danny will come back. The one that was never afraid to love; to show his feelings. He will come back and you won't be lost anymore.

I also believe, that I'll be gone by then. That despite how much I love you, my fear of being left behind will keep me running. I run as fast as I can away from you. You've left me alone enough times that I've gotten quite a head start. Sometimes, I hear you call and I slow down, but the moment your voice fades, I run for my life.... for my heart.

My poor baby. I'm sorry that it has you for a father. I'm sorry that I can't make you understand. I'm sorry that because of our failures, the baby will suffer. my poor baby