Friday, August 21, 2009

moving on...

I hate drama. I avoid it at all costs.
I'm surprised that even with all my problems, I've managed to keep the "drama" out.
Life is just life. No matter what I do, my life will continue on..... hopefully happily.

I had a job interview today. I've been searching for a "real" job for the past 6 months.
It went really well. I have another interview next week. It's a consulting position and the job is pretty much self-employed. I love being self employed because of the flexibility it involves.
Hopefully it'll be that change I've been looking for.

Monday, August 17, 2009

stable and mundane my ass....

It's been weeks since I've blogged. I couldn't really find the strength or reason to do so. I didn't want to think about what was happening to my life.
My 2.5 year relationship suddenly ends after an announcement that he wants to join the army (something that I've never wanted him to do). I don't want to have to worry about whether he's going to make it or not. Whether I'll suddenly find myself alone in a world without him. We fight, we end the relationship.
I find out I am pregnant 3 weeks later. Thanks to the lovely grapevine at work, 2 weeks later, everyone else finds out I'm pregnant. Mr.Father is much to trusting of people and could never fathom that this topic would be too tempting for people to keep to themselves.
It's been 1.5 months since I found out..... and I still have no clue what I'm going to do. There are so many sides to each option. Unforeseen consequences that could last my lifetime. My family is not supportive (their Asian culture and upbringing makes this situation very complicated for them). Mr.Father is still so young and immature. He is still struggling as to what HE should do.
My schooling is not done. I have no stable job. I have no money...... and I think most importantly, I have no desire to be a mother.

However, I love this baby with all my heart. I pity this baby for being created at such an inopportune time. I want the best for it, but I can't see what the best thing is.
There are so many risks to having this baby. Risks that can lead to so much suffering. My family, myself, my friends and my baby.
Many people have told me to think only of myself when it comes to making this life-altering decision. But, I've never been one to think of myself exclusively. What people think and feel has always been so important to me. I want people to be happy.... and I'm afraid that my final decision will cause so much unhappiness that after all I have had to struggle with, it'll just be for nothing.

My question is whether you can put a price on life. Not a monetary price but a relative price. Or is life just so valuable that it should always be given? In my mind, life is precious.
But am I willing to put my life on the line for this new life? I have 2 weeks to find out the answer.