UGH! Procrastination bite my ass!

I'm drowning in school work..... but some reason I still feel no urgency to crack down. I'm sitting at my desk trying to edit my STRAT man paper. My group members have atrocious grammar. I haven't even GOT to editting my part. I have to not only read the entire 100 page paper but write up summaries for each part. FML.

My most hated group in this semester is by far the "asian" group. Me and 3 asians are never a good idea. They drive me UP THE WALL!!! They are so indecisive, social-inept and stupid..... ya.... just plain stupid. It took them 3 weeks to finally decide on an idea for this competition we are supposed to be entering. I got so mad at them every meeting. Now I'm stuck trying to make sure we're all on the same page because it's due in 5 days..... and I'm pretty sure nothing is going to be coordinated at the end of the day. FML.

Japanese class??? I can't even imagine how badly I'm going to fail on the final test. Stupid Kanji.

My favorite group this semester (all boys) is not doing that much better unfortunately. We left the paper to the last minute and are relying on this woman to basically answer all our questions by Friday. ONE DAY!!!! How is she possible going to do that in one day? What if she is busy and can't check her email!!! ARGH!!! PROCRASTINATION!! FML.

Birthday day Weekend

Well, I finally put Kathy on the bus to Toronto after making her miss her first bus. We ended up eating lunch at Koreana which was FANTASTIC.... mmm... so goooood.

My champagne birthday was fun. I woke up at 8am to film a movie with my Japanese class. Filmed for 2 hours. I spent the entire time in my Optimus Prime helmet, doing a robot walk. I have to admit.... I was quite fantastic. Pictures will be uploaded soon. It still comes as a shock to me when I see how short I really am. I keep thinking of myself as an average sized person but anytime I see full-sized photos of myself, I am shocked at how petite I am. Like a child.... UGH.
Went out for lunch with French Joe, big dinner at home and ended the night with my love, Transformers.

Kathy took a bunch of pictures of me and I have definitely gained some weight in my face. AAAHHH! I was hoping I wouldn't get "fat face".... alas, I am slowly growing a double chin. Why couldn't the fat just go into my boobs more!!!!!???

Excellent presents this year. ROOTS VILLAGE BAG!!!!! WOO HOOO!!! (from Bo and Chi Mai). Elizabeth Arden face lotion, from Mom (which I have really needed to buy but can't afford). Red and grey nail polish, from Chi Mai. I'm wearing the red nail polish right now. It's so festive :) Caroline got me some really expensive, French body stuff. It smells soo good. Asha gave me a book I'm in the midst of reading, "Snow Flower...". It's about this girl as she goes through traditional, chinese foot-binding. I haven't slept really well since reading the book or maybe that has something to do with Kathy taking up the entire bed.

Dinner with the gang

Me and Kathy at dinner

Birthday dinner with the family and my new red hat!
Songs I'm currently crazing about:

• Lady GaGa- Bad Romance (finally found a good version to download)
• Dragonette- Pick up the phone
• Lights- Saviour

I can't Lady GaGa's music video out of my head. It's so cool. I love the costumes she wears.

It's getting really foggy outside. Tonight looks like a spooky Halloween evening not a normal night in November. Christmas decorations are popping up all over the city. I love it... love Christmas. I don't know how to describe it, but there's something about this holiday that is so engaging. Just seeing a big wreath hanging off someone's door makes me feel happy.

birthday dinner

Birthday in 2 days. Tonight, I went out for sushi with some pool friends and Kathy. I was so excited!!!! However, my night didn't turn out as planned.
The waitresses were absolutely horrible. They wouldn't make eye contact, lost our orders and didn't have the consideration to notice that we had been sitting for over an hour and still had not eaten any sushi. When I tried to figure out where the hell our food was, the waitress got upset and defensive..... she also couldn't understand english so THAT didn't help at all.
Definitely not going back there. I'm ashamed that I've recommended it to so many people.
When I think of this sushi restaurant from a marketer's perspective.... boy do they fuck things up. They have absolutely no concept of customer service. What a bunch of failures.

I'm now in a food coma and have a jammed packed weekend of group meetings, studying, work and attempts to celebrate my champagne birthday.

I went to Chapters today while waiting for Kathy to get to Ottawa. I spent over 1.5 hours there struggling not to buy every book that landed in my hand. I took pictures of the next 4 books that I want to read. I'm going to try and find them in my library. I LOVE CHAPTERS!!!! sooo much fun.

Another sunny day and I'm sitting in my parent's room, where the sun always shines the longest. I painted my nails today for the first time in a while. Actually, I painted them blue a few days ago and then decided to go black. I read in Flare magazine that the newest fall color for nails is grey. I actually really like the idea. I'm going to go buy some grey nail polish now.

Listening to Rihanna's new song "Russian Roulette". Daydreaming about the future. I keep trying to picture where I'm going to be in 2 years. I'm thinking now about going to Chicago or Boston for fashion school. My friend Rachel is planning on moving to Melbourne, New Zealand for her masters. Maybe I'll follow her. :) I can't imagine a winter without snow though. Snow and Canadians to be more specific. Snow and skating..... and beavertails. Mmmmmm.

My daydreams usually focus on interior decorating a lot. Like, I can't imagine what my situation will be like unless I fully daydream up my apartment. Since I'm doing nothing during my third trimester, I think I'm going to do make a bunch of house products (like lamps, pictures, etc.) I have a really good idea for a lamp. I'm going to glue tiny pieces of glass onto a vase and put a lightbulb on top. I got the idea of making my own lamp off "Sara's cottage" when she made 2 lamps out of birch logs. So cool. I'll put up pictures of what I make.

I don't know why... but I let myself think of "him" today. The tall, cold one. haha... sound more like a beer than a person. I've been working really hard at never seeing him. I don't go to the pool anymore when he's working. It sucks for me because then I can't swim (which is where I get my best workout) but I think it just makes things easier for me when I don't see him. I've had to work with him twice but acted like he didn't even exist. Asha was super impressed with me. hahaha. She said that the entire shift, he kept staring at me like a lost puppy. I know exactly which look she's talking about. The one he puts on when he tries to get pity. Well, I didn't even look at him. But, sometimes I worry about the day when he'll finalyl confront me. What am I going to say to him? A big part of me just wants to tell him the truth. That he's hurt me so much that I can't take it anymore. That I still love him but have given up waiting. Another part of me just wants to tell him to leave me alone and stay out of my life forever. But, then I'll always wonder whether he would've come back if I hadn't scared him so much. The smart part of me tell me to not say anything and walk away. He'll probably just twist what I say anyways to make me look like the bad guy.

Christmas is coming soon. I've always loved Christmas season except last winter. Last year I had to do all the Christmas shopping for my family. It was hell! My mother would just give me a huge list of the people I had to buy for and sent me off. When I'd get home, she'd review my purchases and then send me back to return things and start again. This year, I refuse to do her shopping. I'm actually going to try and buy as much stuff online as possible. It'll be my first time shopping online. Ohhhhh!!!

I've been trying to learn about social media tactics recently. Just for fun. I find the stuff facinating. I'm trying to work on creating my personal brand..... or in other words, brand myself. So far, I've made this blog, a twitter account and FB of course. I'm going to work on a website with Bob and a business card. I just don't know what to focus on. I feel like this blog is WAY to personal for me to use to brand myself. I don't know whether I should focus in on the businesses I want to create or on my knowledge. Or both. I'm entering a entreprenuer competition this year for my Underwear Lovers business plan. Though, I still haven't found a designer to help me actually make the underwear. I have an idea for the models and everything. I really don't want people to get distracted away from the underwear with boobs and bras so I was thinking of just making my models wear plain bands or a wreath (my daydream involved a christmas fashion show). hahaha.

let the sun shine!!!!

It's been a beautiful week of sun and (+) degrees!
I can't even remember the last time it was EVER this warm in November. Sometimes, I like global warming... it means my autumn and winter are warmer.
I had an intense Transformer's dream with lots of action packed scenes. Bumblebee was my transformer and he was awesome. He saved me from a bunch of mini-Decepticons. I wish I had dreams of transformers every night. hahaha!

I have found one place as a potential move out. I'm seeing the place tomorrow. Am quite excited. I hope all the roomates are cool. Rent is $400 but I think I can negotiate down to $300 since I have absolutely no money.

This week has been interesting. School is slowly dwindling down and I'm actually enjoying it. It's scary to think that I'm going to be down with school in a year. I don't feel like I have learnt enough yet. I'm debating whether to take some college courses soon on e-commerce, entrepreneur, social marketing and web design. I have 4 more months before due date and am still unsure of what I'm going to do with my time. I'm torn between doing a bunch of small things to develop myself or 1-2 BIG things that are really exciting/risky.

I bought some flip chart paper a while ago and it is honestly the best $8 I've ever spent. (PS. This baby keeps kicking me right now. I've counted 13 in the last 4 minutes.... crazy baby). Anyways, I've been using the flipchart paper to map out my life. It's so useful because I can fit everything onto one paper and have it all laid out for me.
I've now created 3 "BIG PICTURE" plans. My sister and I worked on one. My friend Rachel made one for herself. My mom and dad are in the midst of creating one. I LOVE IT! It really is amazing. Rachel says I should sell the idea or at least get more people to do it and take the credit.

Rachel came over last night to work on her "big plan". It was so nice to just chill and talk. We just sat on my bed and talked about everything in her life. It's so easy to get caught up in life's everyday struggles, but when you see them in context of your big picture... it makes them seem so absolutely miniscuel and pointless. I'm really glad that Rachel was able to see that. Hopefully, this will help her focus more on the positive and meaningful things in life.

I know that when I did this activity early this year.. it made a HUGE difference. At the time, I was insanely stressed out from school, work, family problems, boyfriend problems, career problems, etc. It was just such an overload of issues. Unfortunately for Dan, alll my anger was taken out on him. I would call him so angry about everything and there was nothing he could do. He kept trying to make me feel better but it was ME causing all these problems on myself. After 2 months of this stress, Dan couldn't take it anymore. He told me to fix my own problems and to stop laying them on him. It hurt at the time, but I knew that he was right. Sometimes, it's just easier to lean on someone and forget that you need to be able to stand on your own 2 feet. I wrote down everything that was troubling me in my life and wrote down a solution for each of them. I then ranked each problem based on most important/urgent to least important. It helped putting everything into perspective. I allocated 3-4 problems that I should deal with that month and to just ignore the rest. My stress level pretty much disappeared after that. Dan was so happy and relieved! I was the old, happy, strong Theresa again.
It's ok to fall on the wagon sometimes, just make sure you have the running shoes to catch up with it again.

I'm going out for some coffee and timbits with Asha soon. I'm so hungry

A Fall Saturday...

I had a very relaxing Saturday. I haven't had one of those in a while.
It was bright and warm. The neighborhood was surprisingly quiet. No screaming kids.
I woke up late as usual but got lots of cleaning and Japanese studying done.
I watched the Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. It was ok.... there were some laughs. It was mostly just super corny.
I've been doing really good with being alone. I sometimes even cherish it. I like not having to care about someone constantly, always being there for him, etc. But, sometimes, it gets lonely. I find it gets especially lonely when I'm watching movies. That used to be our thing. We'd watch a movie at least once a week. I can't help but feel forlorn when I'm watching a movie by myself and there's no "him" to lean against or hug. No one to share the experience.

The weather is going to be amazing this coming week. I'm excited. This whole season has been rainy and dark. The end of school is coming closer... and I'm wondering just what the hell I should do. I can't imagine NOT doing school... but I really don't want to deal with all the stares and questions. They'll be no hiding the pregnancy by December. My clothes can only get so bulky and big before my school friends starts noticing. Sometimes, I feel like I should be telling people my story. Human beings learn from each others' experiences. Maybe, if some girl finds herself in my position, she won't feel so lonely. She won't resort to abortion thinking that it's the only solution. I don't know. I feel afraid most of the time when I think about the baby. I think about how in a year from today, I will no longer be pregnant and my daughter or son will be out in the world doing who knows what. His or her parents will be giving it a bath, tucking it into bed.... and where will I be? What will I be doing? Will I be happy?

If I close my eyes and really concentrate, I can sometimes see my life. See what my next steps are going to be. But when I open my eyes, reality crashes in and I feel scared. My future still seems so far away. I feel like I'm stuck in a time capsule waiting for the future to set me free. When I dream, I see myself in a room with sunshine pouring in through the windows. I feel warm. I'm cutting out fabrics and attempting to make something. I smell coffee (blessed coffee that I haven't tasted in 6 months), there's faint music singing in the background... and I feel content. I am happy.

I finally finished reading the Time Traveller's Wife. Some people find stories that just talk about daily life boring, but I always find it interesting. Whenever the author talked about Claire in her studio, the peace she was feeling... it gives me hope. For just a few minutes, I'm lost in Claire's feelings... I feel at peace too.

I will be moving out sometime in December. I'm very excited and scared. It'll be my first time alone which is something I'm dying for. I'm just scared I'm not going to find a good living situation. I don't have money so my options are limited. Hopefully, one of friends that own their own house will take me in for $300 a month. I can't wait for the quiet. No nagging... no hiding in my room. I'll be free to be happy with what time I have left with my baby.

Fashion Show

I've finally experienced my first fashion show. It was.... okay... I guess.
It was the first day of snow so no one came out. The place was empty. I only really liked one designer Anastasia Lomonova. She used some awesome prints and fabrics.
The other designers were all the same. Nothing really stood out. I was disappointed.

I met Stacey McKenzie!!! She's one of the judges from Canada's Top Model. The one with huge lips and the legs of a goddess. haha! She was funny.
I met some nice people. 2 photographers, a freelance writer and an upcoming fashion designer.

I spent the night dreaming about fashion and my business.
I've been debating what to do during my third trimester. Should I continue with school? Should I get a job? Should I just relax and work on my business?
I just might spend the next few months working on building a clothing line and website. It'd be nice. I'm tired of just sitting around and waiting.

My parents and I have decided that its best if I move out by December. Some days my mom is good and optimistic (or at least silent). Most days however, she's a mess. At the very sight of me, she starts moaning about how her life is over and how fat I am. She is determined to keep our little secret from the big family. I think its stupid and futile but she doesn't want the dishonor.
To be truthful, I don't give a damn. I don't care what people think of me. No one can say anything because no one knows how it feels. You can imagine but you'll never know until you experience it yourself. I am proud of how I've handled things. I'm proud of my decision and at the end of the day, when I go to bed... I'm happy. I am strong and I can get through anything.

CHAI LATTES!!!!!

Today was a good day for baby and I. We had a vente sized chai latte from Starbucks. Baby spent an hour kicking out its hyperness. I spent 10 hours kicking out my hyperness. haha.

Went to the gym and ran for 20 mins and then biked for 20 mins. Not bad!!!!! I could've done way more but my sister kept pushing me to leave.
WILL BE BACK TOMORROW!!!

Halloween was fun. I went to a friend's party and spent the entire night laughing. I was going to dress up as Optimus Prime but decided that no one would know who I was without my helmet. Definitely didn't want to spend the entire night wearing a helmet. So I went as a cupcake instead. Very easy... I put tissue paper in a cupcake and stuck it to my head.

This week should be very relaxing. I'm finally finished with my hardest course!!! So I have lots of time again to hang out with friends. Mmmmm.... I'm starving. Will go regain all the calories I burned at the gym. :)