Saturday, November 7, 2009

A Fall Saturday...

I had a very relaxing Saturday. I haven't had one of those in a while.
It was bright and warm. The neighborhood was surprisingly quiet. No screaming kids.
I woke up late as usual but got lots of cleaning and Japanese studying done.
I watched the Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. It was ok.... there were some laughs. It was mostly just super corny.
I've been doing really good with being alone. I sometimes even cherish it. I like not having to care about someone constantly, always being there for him, etc. But, sometimes, it gets lonely. I find it gets especially lonely when I'm watching movies. That used to be our thing. We'd watch a movie at least once a week. I can't help but feel forlorn when I'm watching a movie by myself and there's no "him" to lean against or hug. No one to share the experience.

The weather is going to be amazing this coming week. I'm excited. This whole season has been rainy and dark. The end of school is coming closer... and I'm wondering just what the hell I should do. I can't imagine NOT doing school... but I really don't want to deal with all the stares and questions. They'll be no hiding the pregnancy by December. My clothes can only get so bulky and big before my school friends starts noticing. Sometimes, I feel like I should be telling people my story. Human beings learn from each others' experiences. Maybe, if some girl finds herself in my position, she won't feel so lonely. She won't resort to abortion thinking that it's the only solution. I don't know. I feel afraid most of the time when I think about the baby. I think about how in a year from today, I will no longer be pregnant and my daughter or son will be out in the world doing who knows what. His or her parents will be giving it a bath, tucking it into bed.... and where will I be? What will I be doing? Will I be happy?

If I close my eyes and really concentrate, I can sometimes see my life. See what my next steps are going to be. But when I open my eyes, reality crashes in and I feel scared. My future still seems so far away. I feel like I'm stuck in a time capsule waiting for the future to set me free. When I dream, I see myself in a room with sunshine pouring in through the windows. I feel warm. I'm cutting out fabrics and attempting to make something. I smell coffee (blessed coffee that I haven't tasted in 6 months), there's faint music singing in the background... and I feel content. I am happy.

I finally finished reading the Time Traveller's Wife. Some people find stories that just talk about daily life boring, but I always find it interesting. Whenever the author talked about Claire in her studio, the peace she was feeling... it gives me hope. For just a few minutes, I'm lost in Claire's feelings... I feel at peace too.

I will be moving out sometime in December. I'm very excited and scared. It'll be my first time alone which is something I'm dying for. I'm just scared I'm not going to find a good living situation. I don't have money so my options are limited. Hopefully, one of friends that own their own house will take me in for $300 a month. I can't wait for the quiet. No nagging... no hiding in my room. I'll be free to be happy with what time I have left with my baby.

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