Sunday, September 27, 2009

It's going to be alright

I look backed at my previous blogs today. Haha... even though I left so many details out of the blogs, it still brings me some comfort to know that I can look back and remember exactly what was going on the day I wrote that post.
I was going to erase all the posts and start afresh, but after reading the blogs, I thought to myself that life is built upon a past, just like this blog will be. Only then will it be a true reflection of my life.

I am still pregnant. Coming close to 5 months now. I have decided on adoption. There are many problems between the father and myself... but unfortunately/fortunately, he's still in the picture.... To a certain extent. I told him that I was going to be THE parent to this baby. That I would make all decisions because I had just had enough of his constant absence, his selfishness and his uncaring-ness. It is a privilege for him to be involved in whatever time I have left with my baby. A privilege that if he wasted for even a second, would be taken away.
I refuse to let him hurt me anymore. I refuse to let him pull me off my path. I refuse to be walked over.

I'm still not sure what I want this blog to be. Why should it exist?
I feel like the blog is more like a letter. A letter to my baby? A letter to my family and friends? A letter to the father? A letter to a person who might think that there is not light left in the world? I don't know.
All I know is that no matter what happens in my life, it will not be forgotten. Even if it's just documented on the internet.

I was telling my cousin today that I had finally reached that stage in "grief" where you know that despite all the pain and hurt, you're going to come out alright. Though my situation is far from being over (I'm aware there are still many more tears to come), I know that in the end, it will all have been for something and that I will come out just fine.