Snow

The snow is falling. Really big, fat snowflakes.
I would like nothing more than to put on my winter jacket and go make snow angels in the backyard.
But then I remember I don't like to move anymore. Plus, I'm not allowed to lie down on my back.
FML.

The unconvienent alien attack

It's 9:37 pm and I'm already in bed. My exhaustion is not due to any strenuous labor but due to me not sleeping last night because I was sure that aliens were in my house.

I woke up with a start around 4am (I refused to look at the clock because that usually just stresses me out even more). ,My awakening was due to the sound of something massive landing on my roof. It sounded at least 30-40 lbs. After some quick calculations, I decided the only reasonable answer was that aliens had landed on my roof. This was my conclusion because:

1. something had hit the roof... NOT fallen off of it.
2. nothing that is over 30 lbs could land on my roof in the middle of winter

Therefore, aliens were the only reasonable explanation.

I spent the next 3 hours contemplating how I should proceed with the alien invasion. Should I check up on my sister in case they were dissecting her body? I know I would much appreciate it if I was in her position. I decided not to check on her because I'm a chicken and had a baby to think about. I then started to worry about the possibility that the aliends would LOVE to dissect me because I was pregant. I mean, who doesn't want to see the real anatomy of a pregnant woman. How does that baby fit in there?????

During this time, 3 more "aliens" hit my roof.

I finally fell asleep as light was shining through my blinds. Stupid aliens ruining my precious sleep.....

How-to begin a fantastic presentation...

There is no such thing as boring knowledge.
There is only boring presentation.

For every presentation I give, my final goal is to get my audience thinking.... and to do this, you must engage them.

Audience members remember the beginning and end of a presentation the best.
The beginning of a presentation is important; it sets the mood and will help the audience figure out what to expect. For example, beginning a prostate cancer marketing presentation with a story about the time you first encountered cancer would be meaningful and set a mood of seriousness . However, opening a SEARS financial presentation with a funny, related question would be attention-grabbing and set a mood of lightness.

Here are some ideas to start off a presentation:

1. Tell a funny story (can be fictitious or not)
2. Ask a random question...... Ex. "What would Buddha tweet?"
3. Introduce yourself interestingly
4. Make up a new word and define it..... Ex. e-do: the act of doing things over the internet

Catering your presentation to your audience's needs is crucial. What is your audience demographic? Education level? What do they want to get out of your presentation? How can you keep them engaged?

Just use your common sense. If the presentation bores you, I guarantee the audience will feel the same.

A Monday diary

I woke up at 11:52 am today. Correction, I woke up at 7:48 am and didn't crawl out of bed until 11:52. I debated whether or not to spend another lethargic day bathing in nothingness. Luckily, my sister forced me into the "not".

I drove her and myself to the library to get a book titled "If You Want to Write" by Brenda Ueland. It was highly recommended on this new blog I love (Presentation Zen). Plus, I've been wanting to improve my writing.

Sadly, as what usually happens in libraries, the book (though declared as 'Checked in') could not be found in its rightful place on the bookshelf. Over my fat, heavy body was I going to trudge around and try to find it. So I picked up another book that had a cover I connected with. "PEN ON FIRE".

I've read the opening quotation so far and have already written 10 blog rough-drafts, this journal and a bunch of other creative thoughts. I also found 2 new amazing blogs. This book is amazing. Ha Ha Ha.

Back to my day... I drove around the neighbourhood running little errands with Chi Mai revolving around:

a) exchanging my X-mas presents
b) letting Chi Mai window shop.

I did successfully buy some fantastic post-it notes ON SALE at Staplex and will buy an adorable water bottle at Chapters when the place is a little less crowded.

I got home around 3 hours later and relaxed for a bit before heading out to Milestones with the SPLX girls. It was a fun night. Good food, lots of food, great service (the manager herself guarenteed me that I wouldn't die from my allergies while I was here). I've never had that before! I love those girls so much. We each have our distinct personaities and are pretty different from each other but for some reason, we're really great friends. With most of my friends, our relationships and chillfests are just splurges of the moment. But with these girls, we go out of our way to make time for each other... even if only once every 3 months.

And now, here I am... tired but too wired with creative diarrhea. Plus, the wind is blowing at like, 60 km/h makiing my house super creaky.

PS. Baby is getting sooooo heavy. My back is killing me.

how-to stay organized..... theresa-style

If there is one thing I am exceptional at.... it would be organizing. haha.

It's 4:42pm and so far, I've:

• paid off all debt
• cleaned out old purses and bags
• made lemon tea
• dressed up my window including tying up my broken blinds and taping up curtains
• adding some plants
• complied my massive TO-DO list
  

Today, my focus was on re-organizing my room so that I would have more space to work on my projects. I've always been a bit of an over-achiever.... actually, I like to overwhelm myself with projects but rarely finish them. To battle against this habit, I find writing everything down on a big list helps me sort out which are truly important. That way, I can ensure that I at least complete one project.

addict of the season

So, I've become addicted to Project Runway lately. I've always been a fan of the show but have never really tried to watch it unless it was on TV. However, thanks to the beauty that is Youtube, I've been able to catch up on all the episodes from season 2. YEA! My computer, however, takes forever to download them. Pisses me off.

I finished reading The Gargoyle. As with The Thirteenth Tales, I was a bit disappointed. I really expected it to keep me on the edge of my seat and be really provocative. Nope... definitely not. The underlying love story was good, there were some really nice "mini-stories", but my overall ranking of the book is 5/10. Borderline good.

As of tomorrow, I'm starting work on my website design. Still no good apartments :(

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!
This is by far the most relaxing Christmas I've ever had. No running around, no major cooking, no major parties. Ahhhh.... relief.
Yesterday, mom and I cooked a nice dinner for the family including a turkey and rice-paper rolls. Of course, my family ate 4 slices of turkey before we were full.. haha. Poor turkey. We were going to go to church and wander around downtown but mom pulled a muscle in her back causing her to go to bed at 9. So, Chi Mai and I ended up watching a movie which was an embarassing teen movie. I won't even mention the title.
Today, church in the afternoon, pho for lunch and then PRESENTS! I bought mom and bo a shredder which, contrary to what Chi Mai thought, they loved it. Bo spent 30 mins shredding all the wrapping paper. He looked like a little boy.
Chi Mai is going to her boyfriend's for dinner so we're just going to eat leftovers and watch a movie. It'll be nice. Happy Holidays!

Baby and Books

I had my monthly doctor's appointment yesterday. She informed me that the baby is breeched which means its butt is facing down. That explains why when the baby turns around, it feels like a gigantic ocean wave rolling inside me. Usually the baby turns itself the right way by week 32... but I'll have to have another ultrasound to confirm if the baby moved. If the baby doesn't turn itself around than I have to have a C-section. Apparently, doctor's no longer risk physically turning the baby for first time mothers. All I keep thinking is "just get this baby out of here!" hahaha.

I spent all day reading "The Thirteenth Tale" today. My biggest dedication in life is to books. I devour books. I read the biggest Harry Potter book in less than 48 hours. D used to be soooo surprised at my speed of reading. I don't just skim over the words. I actually read every word. Unfortunately, I usually have to read the book twice in order for it to really sink into my memory.
I really enjoyed the The Thirteenth Tale. It reminds me of Jane Eyre and Withering Heights. I've always held a fear of those two stories. I don't like crazy people... especially when they're locked up in their house with people who don't know how to deal with the craziness and just leave the person to do whatever they want. And ESPECIALLY when the setting is in England. Just ghastly. The author definitely kept me wondering "what the hell is going on???" I wouldn't say that I was sitting on the edge of my sit but I can see how for some readers, they would be. It's just the whole spookiness plot that made me have to take multiple breaks in order to prepare myself for whatever outcome the author was going to throw at me. I don't deal well with mystery novels. Still... a very classic novel.

Up next.... The Gargoyle.

It takes two

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder... How the hell did I get here? When this thought comes up, I find myself staring off into space and thinking of only one thing: where is he?
I try so hard to stay positive, to focus on always moving forward and to try and forget the past. But I find that as the big day looms closer.... I'm starting to feel more alone and more scared. I never realized just how lonely "motherhood" is. The livelihood of this precious being lies completely in my hands. The future of so many lives rest on the decisions I make today. What I hate the most is that this is such a new thing for everybody. It's like a trek across a field riddled with landmines. Trial and error seem to be the only way to get to the other side.

How did I get here? I have 2 journals filled with entries on D. Every night, I'm overwhelmed by this need to relive my past. A past where I was so happy. So consistently and unquestionable happy. Every night, I open up one of these journals and read my entries that seem to have been written so long ago. Afterwards, I read the date and realize it was only 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 9 months ago. I have lost so much and have gained so much... but the weight of what I've lost seems to shadow the things I've gained. I miss my best friend so much. I miss the only person I can honestly say knew me better than I knew myself. I miss the small things like the comfort of knowing he was only a phone call away, smiling when I saw his number calling me, the hugs. I see him now and it's like looking into the eyes of a stranger. I try my best to avoid looking at him because the pain is just overwhelming sometimes. How did we get here? We spent 2.5 years giggling and whispering into the phone every night, confiding everything to each other. We'd catch each others' eyes from across the room and instantly know what the other was thinking. I came across a picture of us taken 2 summers ago. We were sitting together at a friend's party. His arms were around me, our fingers intertwined and we were just smiling so happily at each other.

Love is a dangerous game. The bigger the love.... the more threatening the game. I keep seeing my friends one by one lose their loves either due to careers, other people or just the slow dying of the feelings. Hindsight is a bitch. If I could, I would call him right now and just apologize for being a stupid, naive girl who foolishly let herself fall in love. I would apologize for demanding such ridiculous expectations like phonecalls every night, hanging out with me all the time, including me in every part of your life. These things seem so small and juvenille in hindsight. I promise that if given another chance, I'd do it better. I'd make him so happy that he'd never think twice about leaving me. Maybe then, I'd have the strength to keep my baby.
But the reality is that it takes two to make a relationship work. It takes two to complete a child's life. It takes two to fix what has been broken. I can't do it all. I've tried and I've failed so many times. I was trying to explain to my friend the other day the fall of heartbreak. How, even though it may seem impossible, climbing out of the fog of pain is possible. Once you hit rock bottom, there's nowhere else to go but up. I've hit rock bottom more times that I care to remember. I've blocked so many memories of those painful months that when the time has come for me to retell my experiences to others to try and help them... I'm faced with a black wall.

I walk around trying to put my strongest foot forward, to keep my head up high and my eyes on the my dreams. I apoligize to my friends for not being better able to tell them how to get through these horrible times, but hopefully, they can look at me and realize that the other side is there.... and happiness can be felt again. It may not be as complete as what it used to be, but it's there and it's presence is still worth every effort.
I may not be strong enough to keep my baby or fix my broken relationship.... but I am strong enough to not lose hope that maybe.... maybe this all happened for a reason and one day, I'll be able to be completely happy again as I was 9 months ago.

TED talks: Hans Rosling

I found this video two days ago and have been meaning to upload it. And now... thanks to Bob, the video is now uploaded!!!
I think Hans Rosling is a fantastic presenter.... and his use of graphs is brilliant.

temptations

Three things that I think about constantly while pregnant:
Drinking alcohol
Tattoos
Getting rocking abs

ANNNDDD!! I just found out that Kiera Knightley has been dating Rupert Friend for over 2 years!!! I fell in LOVE with Rupert in Pride and Prejudice. sooooo dreamy.

First time online shopper

I bought something online today for the first time!!! It was so exciting!
I bought 5 books at chapter.indigo.ca. It was so much faster than going to the store. Anytime I step into a Chapters store... I spend on average 1.5 hours wandering and buying everything I touch. I bought all 5 christmas presents in less than one hour! And I know for sure the books are going to be good because I made sure all had 5-star reviews.

• The Gargoyle: A coke-addled pornographer, drives his car off a mountain road in a part of the country that's never specified. During his painful recovery from horrific burns suffered in the crash, the narrator plots to end his life after his release from the hospital. When a schizophrenic fellow patient, Marianne Engel, begins to visit him and describe her memories of their love affair in medieval Germany, the narrator is at first skeptical, but grows less so. Eventually, he abandons his elaborate suicide plan and envisions a life with Engel, a sculptress specializing in gargoyles.
• L.A Candy: Basically, Lauren Conrad's autobiography. I was skeptical at first of the book but the reviews have been great.
• The Thirteenth Tale: Margaret Lea, amateur biographer, is summoned by Vida Winter, a secretive author of stories, to write her last autobiography. Margaret knows nothing about this woman, does some research and discovers that Vida has only written 12 books of a 13 book series.
• The Hunger Games: I bought this book for my 12 year old cousin. The storyline seems better suited for adults. In the ruins of a place once known as North America lies the nation of Panem, a shining Capitol surrounded by twelve outlying districts. The Capitol is harsh and cruel and keeps the other districts in line by forcing them to participate in the annual Hunger Games, a fight-to-the-death on live TV. One boy and one girl between the ages of twelve and sixteen are selected by lottery to play. The winner brings riches and favor tohis or her district.

Sex please

It's a girl! I figured only a girl could reek this much havoc on my life.
Ya.... definitely a woman's work.

Quote of the Day

"You don't really know a man until you have a child with him. Then you see so much. Is he kind? Is he tolerant? Is he boring? Is he loving? Or is he immature and egotistical and selfish?"

-Canadace Bushnell, One Fifth Avenue

day 1 of apartment shopping

So, I went to visit 2 apartments yesterday. UGH.... this might take a while.
The first apartment had an absolutely brilliant location. 2 minute walk to the train and 5 min walk to the main street....... And then I met the landlord. I got a bad vibe from him... and he was a tool. I asked how much hydro was a month since it wasn't included in the rent and his answer, "uuuuuhhhhh...... I don't... I don't know". (blank face).
Ya, ok, definitely NOT renting from you. The place was grunge but livable.

2nd place I visited had a beautiful apartment, completely renovated (as in it was still under renovation when I visited it). Not the greatest location, or in the best neighborhood. The landlord was super nice. I really liked him. My parents came with me to visit this apartment and they really liked it.

My problem is now trying to find a short term lease agreement. My friend and I are only planning on moving out for 4 months. After the baby is born, I'm going to try and find a job anywhere.... so I don't want to be strapped into a year lease. UGH.

the process begins

I have dreamed about living on my own for years.
And now the time to find the perfect place to rent is starting.
So far, I've found 3 places I really like. One is furnished (which is perfect since I don't have or can afford any furniture) for $900...Heat and hydro, internet, cable, and telephone all included. Awesome location right by the train.

The other is not furnished by has an awesome location and looks really nice.

The third is in my favorite, trendy neighbourhood. The pictures aren't very clear so I'm going to have to wait till the viewing to really get a sense of the place.

All in all, I'm excited but extremely nervous!

Balloon Face

I often find myself in the hospital. Far more times than I'd wish. Yesterday, on the way to school I was hit with a sudden allergy attack. It came out of nowhere and I have no idea what caused it.
All I know is that I was standing outside my class when my eyes started itching.... the "allergy itch". I knew I had about 30 mins before it'd get bad.... little did I know that I actually only had 5 mins. It was so embarrassing!!! I was walking as fast to my car as possible, with massively swollen eyes and tears just streaming everywhere. Plus, I was wearing makeup which didn't make the whole eye leaking thing better. By the time I got to the car, I could barely see.
Long story short, had the ambulance called for me, they shot me up with Benedryl which made me all drousy and baby super hyper. I was in the hospital for about 3 hours before they let me go home. I had to go to the bathroom at one point and almost screamed at my reflection. I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK HUMAN!!! My face was so scary.... no wonder wandering paramedics took a double take at me. I'm surprised they didn't yell.

School is pretty much over. I survived my week from hell. Everything went pretty much as planned... thank god. I was much less stressed then everyone else.
Now onto Christmas shopping. Oh dear god.......

UGH! Procrastination bite my ass!

I'm drowning in school work..... but some reason I still feel no urgency to crack down. I'm sitting at my desk trying to edit my STRAT man paper. My group members have atrocious grammar. I haven't even GOT to editting my part. I have to not only read the entire 100 page paper but write up summaries for each part. FML.

My most hated group in this semester is by far the "asian" group. Me and 3 asians are never a good idea. They drive me UP THE WALL!!! They are so indecisive, social-inept and stupid..... ya.... just plain stupid. It took them 3 weeks to finally decide on an idea for this competition we are supposed to be entering. I got so mad at them every meeting. Now I'm stuck trying to make sure we're all on the same page because it's due in 5 days..... and I'm pretty sure nothing is going to be coordinated at the end of the day. FML.

Japanese class??? I can't even imagine how badly I'm going to fail on the final test. Stupid Kanji.

My favorite group this semester (all boys) is not doing that much better unfortunately. We left the paper to the last minute and are relying on this woman to basically answer all our questions by Friday. ONE DAY!!!! How is she possible going to do that in one day? What if she is busy and can't check her email!!! ARGH!!! PROCRASTINATION!! FML.

Birthday day Weekend

Well, I finally put Kathy on the bus to Toronto after making her miss her first bus. We ended up eating lunch at Koreana which was FANTASTIC.... mmm... so goooood.

My champagne birthday was fun. I woke up at 8am to film a movie with my Japanese class. Filmed for 2 hours. I spent the entire time in my Optimus Prime helmet, doing a robot walk. I have to admit.... I was quite fantastic. Pictures will be uploaded soon. It still comes as a shock to me when I see how short I really am. I keep thinking of myself as an average sized person but anytime I see full-sized photos of myself, I am shocked at how petite I am. Like a child.... UGH.
Went out for lunch with French Joe, big dinner at home and ended the night with my love, Transformers.

Kathy took a bunch of pictures of me and I have definitely gained some weight in my face. AAAHHH! I was hoping I wouldn't get "fat face".... alas, I am slowly growing a double chin. Why couldn't the fat just go into my boobs more!!!!!???

Excellent presents this year. ROOTS VILLAGE BAG!!!!! WOO HOOO!!! (from Bo and Chi Mai). Elizabeth Arden face lotion, from Mom (which I have really needed to buy but can't afford). Red and grey nail polish, from Chi Mai. I'm wearing the red nail polish right now. It's so festive :) Caroline got me some really expensive, French body stuff. It smells soo good. Asha gave me a book I'm in the midst of reading, "Snow Flower...". It's about this girl as she goes through traditional, chinese foot-binding. I haven't slept really well since reading the book or maybe that has something to do with Kathy taking up the entire bed.

Dinner with the gang

Me and Kathy at dinner

Birthday dinner with the family and my new red hat!
Songs I'm currently crazing about:

• Lady GaGa- Bad Romance (finally found a good version to download)
• Dragonette- Pick up the phone
• Lights- Saviour

I can't Lady GaGa's music video out of my head. It's so cool. I love the costumes she wears.

It's getting really foggy outside. Tonight looks like a spooky Halloween evening not a normal night in November. Christmas decorations are popping up all over the city. I love it... love Christmas. I don't know how to describe it, but there's something about this holiday that is so engaging. Just seeing a big wreath hanging off someone's door makes me feel happy.

birthday dinner

Birthday in 2 days. Tonight, I went out for sushi with some pool friends and Kathy. I was so excited!!!! However, my night didn't turn out as planned.
The waitresses were absolutely horrible. They wouldn't make eye contact, lost our orders and didn't have the consideration to notice that we had been sitting for over an hour and still had not eaten any sushi. When I tried to figure out where the hell our food was, the waitress got upset and defensive..... she also couldn't understand english so THAT didn't help at all.
Definitely not going back there. I'm ashamed that I've recommended it to so many people.
When I think of this sushi restaurant from a marketer's perspective.... boy do they fuck things up. They have absolutely no concept of customer service. What a bunch of failures.

I'm now in a food coma and have a jammed packed weekend of group meetings, studying, work and attempts to celebrate my champagne birthday.

I went to Chapters today while waiting for Kathy to get to Ottawa. I spent over 1.5 hours there struggling not to buy every book that landed in my hand. I took pictures of the next 4 books that I want to read. I'm going to try and find them in my library. I LOVE CHAPTERS!!!! sooo much fun.

Another sunny day and I'm sitting in my parent's room, where the sun always shines the longest. I painted my nails today for the first time in a while. Actually, I painted them blue a few days ago and then decided to go black. I read in Flare magazine that the newest fall color for nails is grey. I actually really like the idea. I'm going to go buy some grey nail polish now.

Listening to Rihanna's new song "Russian Roulette". Daydreaming about the future. I keep trying to picture where I'm going to be in 2 years. I'm thinking now about going to Chicago or Boston for fashion school. My friend Rachel is planning on moving to Melbourne, New Zealand for her masters. Maybe I'll follow her. :) I can't imagine a winter without snow though. Snow and Canadians to be more specific. Snow and skating..... and beavertails. Mmmmmm.

My daydreams usually focus on interior decorating a lot. Like, I can't imagine what my situation will be like unless I fully daydream up my apartment. Since I'm doing nothing during my third trimester, I think I'm going to do make a bunch of house products (like lamps, pictures, etc.) I have a really good idea for a lamp. I'm going to glue tiny pieces of glass onto a vase and put a lightbulb on top. I got the idea of making my own lamp off "Sara's cottage" when she made 2 lamps out of birch logs. So cool. I'll put up pictures of what I make.

I don't know why... but I let myself think of "him" today. The tall, cold one. haha... sound more like a beer than a person. I've been working really hard at never seeing him. I don't go to the pool anymore when he's working. It sucks for me because then I can't swim (which is where I get my best workout) but I think it just makes things easier for me when I don't see him. I've had to work with him twice but acted like he didn't even exist. Asha was super impressed with me. hahaha. She said that the entire shift, he kept staring at me like a lost puppy. I know exactly which look she's talking about. The one he puts on when he tries to get pity. Well, I didn't even look at him. But, sometimes I worry about the day when he'll finalyl confront me. What am I going to say to him? A big part of me just wants to tell him the truth. That he's hurt me so much that I can't take it anymore. That I still love him but have given up waiting. Another part of me just wants to tell him to leave me alone and stay out of my life forever. But, then I'll always wonder whether he would've come back if I hadn't scared him so much. The smart part of me tell me to not say anything and walk away. He'll probably just twist what I say anyways to make me look like the bad guy.

Christmas is coming soon. I've always loved Christmas season except last winter. Last year I had to do all the Christmas shopping for my family. It was hell! My mother would just give me a huge list of the people I had to buy for and sent me off. When I'd get home, she'd review my purchases and then send me back to return things and start again. This year, I refuse to do her shopping. I'm actually going to try and buy as much stuff online as possible. It'll be my first time shopping online. Ohhhhh!!!

I've been trying to learn about social media tactics recently. Just for fun. I find the stuff facinating. I'm trying to work on creating my personal brand..... or in other words, brand myself. So far, I've made this blog, a twitter account and FB of course. I'm going to work on a website with Bob and a business card. I just don't know what to focus on. I feel like this blog is WAY to personal for me to use to brand myself. I don't know whether I should focus in on the businesses I want to create or on my knowledge. Or both. I'm entering a entreprenuer competition this year for my Underwear Lovers business plan. Though, I still haven't found a designer to help me actually make the underwear. I have an idea for the models and everything. I really don't want people to get distracted away from the underwear with boobs and bras so I was thinking of just making my models wear plain bands or a wreath (my daydream involved a christmas fashion show). hahaha.

let the sun shine!!!!

It's been a beautiful week of sun and (+) degrees!
I can't even remember the last time it was EVER this warm in November. Sometimes, I like global warming... it means my autumn and winter are warmer.
I had an intense Transformer's dream with lots of action packed scenes. Bumblebee was my transformer and he was awesome. He saved me from a bunch of mini-Decepticons. I wish I had dreams of transformers every night. hahaha!

I have found one place as a potential move out. I'm seeing the place tomorrow. Am quite excited. I hope all the roomates are cool. Rent is $400 but I think I can negotiate down to $300 since I have absolutely no money.

This week has been interesting. School is slowly dwindling down and I'm actually enjoying it. It's scary to think that I'm going to be down with school in a year. I don't feel like I have learnt enough yet. I'm debating whether to take some college courses soon on e-commerce, entrepreneur, social marketing and web design. I have 4 more months before due date and am still unsure of what I'm going to do with my time. I'm torn between doing a bunch of small things to develop myself or 1-2 BIG things that are really exciting/risky.

I bought some flip chart paper a while ago and it is honestly the best $8 I've ever spent. (PS. This baby keeps kicking me right now. I've counted 13 in the last 4 minutes.... crazy baby). Anyways, I've been using the flipchart paper to map out my life. It's so useful because I can fit everything onto one paper and have it all laid out for me.
I've now created 3 "BIG PICTURE" plans. My sister and I worked on one. My friend Rachel made one for herself. My mom and dad are in the midst of creating one. I LOVE IT! It really is amazing. Rachel says I should sell the idea or at least get more people to do it and take the credit.

Rachel came over last night to work on her "big plan". It was so nice to just chill and talk. We just sat on my bed and talked about everything in her life. It's so easy to get caught up in life's everyday struggles, but when you see them in context of your big picture... it makes them seem so absolutely miniscuel and pointless. I'm really glad that Rachel was able to see that. Hopefully, this will help her focus more on the positive and meaningful things in life.

I know that when I did this activity early this year.. it made a HUGE difference. At the time, I was insanely stressed out from school, work, family problems, boyfriend problems, career problems, etc. It was just such an overload of issues. Unfortunately for Dan, alll my anger was taken out on him. I would call him so angry about everything and there was nothing he could do. He kept trying to make me feel better but it was ME causing all these problems on myself. After 2 months of this stress, Dan couldn't take it anymore. He told me to fix my own problems and to stop laying them on him. It hurt at the time, but I knew that he was right. Sometimes, it's just easier to lean on someone and forget that you need to be able to stand on your own 2 feet. I wrote down everything that was troubling me in my life and wrote down a solution for each of them. I then ranked each problem based on most important/urgent to least important. It helped putting everything into perspective. I allocated 3-4 problems that I should deal with that month and to just ignore the rest. My stress level pretty much disappeared after that. Dan was so happy and relieved! I was the old, happy, strong Theresa again.
It's ok to fall on the wagon sometimes, just make sure you have the running shoes to catch up with it again.

I'm going out for some coffee and timbits with Asha soon. I'm so hungry

A Fall Saturday...

I had a very relaxing Saturday. I haven't had one of those in a while.
It was bright and warm. The neighborhood was surprisingly quiet. No screaming kids.
I woke up late as usual but got lots of cleaning and Japanese studying done.
I watched the Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. It was ok.... there were some laughs. It was mostly just super corny.
I've been doing really good with being alone. I sometimes even cherish it. I like not having to care about someone constantly, always being there for him, etc. But, sometimes, it gets lonely. I find it gets especially lonely when I'm watching movies. That used to be our thing. We'd watch a movie at least once a week. I can't help but feel forlorn when I'm watching a movie by myself and there's no "him" to lean against or hug. No one to share the experience.

The weather is going to be amazing this coming week. I'm excited. This whole season has been rainy and dark. The end of school is coming closer... and I'm wondering just what the hell I should do. I can't imagine NOT doing school... but I really don't want to deal with all the stares and questions. They'll be no hiding the pregnancy by December. My clothes can only get so bulky and big before my school friends starts noticing. Sometimes, I feel like I should be telling people my story. Human beings learn from each others' experiences. Maybe, if some girl finds herself in my position, she won't feel so lonely. She won't resort to abortion thinking that it's the only solution. I don't know. I feel afraid most of the time when I think about the baby. I think about how in a year from today, I will no longer be pregnant and my daughter or son will be out in the world doing who knows what. His or her parents will be giving it a bath, tucking it into bed.... and where will I be? What will I be doing? Will I be happy?

If I close my eyes and really concentrate, I can sometimes see my life. See what my next steps are going to be. But when I open my eyes, reality crashes in and I feel scared. My future still seems so far away. I feel like I'm stuck in a time capsule waiting for the future to set me free. When I dream, I see myself in a room with sunshine pouring in through the windows. I feel warm. I'm cutting out fabrics and attempting to make something. I smell coffee (blessed coffee that I haven't tasted in 6 months), there's faint music singing in the background... and I feel content. I am happy.

I finally finished reading the Time Traveller's Wife. Some people find stories that just talk about daily life boring, but I always find it interesting. Whenever the author talked about Claire in her studio, the peace she was feeling... it gives me hope. For just a few minutes, I'm lost in Claire's feelings... I feel at peace too.

I will be moving out sometime in December. I'm very excited and scared. It'll be my first time alone which is something I'm dying for. I'm just scared I'm not going to find a good living situation. I don't have money so my options are limited. Hopefully, one of friends that own their own house will take me in for $300 a month. I can't wait for the quiet. No nagging... no hiding in my room. I'll be free to be happy with what time I have left with my baby.

Fashion Show

I've finally experienced my first fashion show. It was.... okay... I guess.
It was the first day of snow so no one came out. The place was empty. I only really liked one designer Anastasia Lomonova. She used some awesome prints and fabrics.
The other designers were all the same. Nothing really stood out. I was disappointed.

I met Stacey McKenzie!!! She's one of the judges from Canada's Top Model. The one with huge lips and the legs of a goddess. haha! She was funny.
I met some nice people. 2 photographers, a freelance writer and an upcoming fashion designer.

I spent the night dreaming about fashion and my business.
I've been debating what to do during my third trimester. Should I continue with school? Should I get a job? Should I just relax and work on my business?
I just might spend the next few months working on building a clothing line and website. It'd be nice. I'm tired of just sitting around and waiting.

My parents and I have decided that its best if I move out by December. Some days my mom is good and optimistic (or at least silent). Most days however, she's a mess. At the very sight of me, she starts moaning about how her life is over and how fat I am. She is determined to keep our little secret from the big family. I think its stupid and futile but she doesn't want the dishonor.
To be truthful, I don't give a damn. I don't care what people think of me. No one can say anything because no one knows how it feels. You can imagine but you'll never know until you experience it yourself. I am proud of how I've handled things. I'm proud of my decision and at the end of the day, when I go to bed... I'm happy. I am strong and I can get through anything.

CHAI LATTES!!!!!

Today was a good day for baby and I. We had a vente sized chai latte from Starbucks. Baby spent an hour kicking out its hyperness. I spent 10 hours kicking out my hyperness. haha.

Went to the gym and ran for 20 mins and then biked for 20 mins. Not bad!!!!! I could've done way more but my sister kept pushing me to leave.
WILL BE BACK TOMORROW!!!

Halloween was fun. I went to a friend's party and spent the entire night laughing. I was going to dress up as Optimus Prime but decided that no one would know who I was without my helmet. Definitely didn't want to spend the entire night wearing a helmet. So I went as a cupcake instead. Very easy... I put tissue paper in a cupcake and stuck it to my head.

This week should be very relaxing. I'm finally finished with my hardest course!!! So I have lots of time again to hang out with friends. Mmmmm.... I'm starving. Will go regain all the calories I burned at the gym. :)

I just "Flickr"ed

Love these pictures!!!!

morning!

Well, my plan to wake up early and study went down the drain. I was supposed to be up at 9 and get a head start in my readings.... woke up at 11.
HOWEVER! to make up for my laziness, I created a wonderful platter of fruit to feed myself and mini-me. There was originally more fruit on the plate, I just ate it before I could take the picture. I wish strawberries were in season. I LOOOVVEE strawberries. And cherries. And jack fruit. mmmmmmm.... jack fruit :)

It's another rainy day

It's another rainy day.

Is it weird that I enjoy rainy days. It makes me feel comforted... like Mother Nature understands my moods.
I'm sitting at my desk studying for my final exam this Monday. I still have to finishing editing a paper and finishing another paper.
I borrowed the "Time Travelers Wife" from the library and only have a week to read. I haven't started it yet.
I rented a Pilates video to try out at home on my new, pink yoga mat.
My hair is getting so long that it's desperately begging to be cut.
Yet, all I seem to want to do is crawl into bed and sleep away this life. I want to wake up 10 years from now and be so grateful that this part of my life is over.

I'm listening to piano solos on the radio, drinking orange juice and pretending its a nice cup of tea. I'm chewing gum because it takes my mind off the nausea I keep feeling.
The baby feels like a fish swimming inside of me.

Halloween is tomorrow and I don't really want to go out. I've been invited to a big party but partying with my friends just doesn't feel the same without Dan. Plus, I can't drink.
It feels more like Christmas. I'm excited for Christmas. I'm hoping to get started on a bunch of self-projects. I also find the snow brings a sense of quiet and peace to me.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do during my last trimester. I can't work at the pool because I'm considered more of a hazard than a lifeguard. I've never NOT worked before. What am I going to do?

H1N1

Got my H1N1 shot today. Ugh! I was dreading this day and I was right to be dreadful. So many people! I felt so uncomfortable and was pretty sure the likliehood that I'd catch H1N1 was more likely to happen there because of the massive amounts of people there. So many screaming children.
I was really lucky though. I only had to wait 45 mins in line to get a number. I was told to come back at 4:30 but I knew that if I did, I'd have to wait in line forever. Sure enough, I get there at 6 and they had only called my number 20 mins ago. I was put to the front of the line, got my shot within 15 mins and was done. HAHA! I was reading the information sheet and for pregnant women, they recommended to get the non-adjuvecated dose which would not be available till November. However! Women who were past the half-way point should not wait and get the adjuvecated shot now. I was a bit uneasy since its such a new shot and the side-effects are really known yet. I mean, look at what thalimide did. But, I trust my doctor and she said don't risk anything and get the shot.
Some kid in Toronto died within 3 days getting H1N1. So scary. Imagine having your kid here with you one day, the weekend passes normally, and then he dies of a flu. *shudder*

Good weekend

I have not talked to "him" in 1 week and 2 days! YEA!!!
I have to admit that though I miss him so much, having him out of my life is like a breath of fresh air. I don't feel suffocated and actually, feel really strong and good about myself.

This weekend, I focused on spending time with my family and catching up with all my assignments. I don't have much of a life anymore and am surprised at how well I'm doing at school. I have nothing else to do but study so I'm actually done my assignments ahead of time! I feel really good about myself. I'm still exercising a lot and eating really healthy.
Another positive about being single, I don't spend as much money!! I hardly ever go out for dinner and when I do, I don't have to pay for 2 people! :)

For one of my classes, I had to write a paper titled "Best-self". Basically, I had to get a bunch of people to write down what they thought was my best quality. I then have to reflect on the answers and describe what I am like at my best. The point of the assignment is to figure out how to keep yourself at your best as often and long as possible. I can see it being really beneficial for a lot of business students who don't really bother on self-reflection. I, however, have always been self-absorbed and have spent my entire life developing my "inner-self" and skills. None of my friends and family's answers were unexpected though 2 of them surprised me. My 2 best friends said my best quality is that I am ambitious and dedicated. I never knew that they saw that as my best quality. It was kind of weird but enlightening.

My favorite quote I've ever heard is: "The most important relationship you'll ever have in life, is the relationship you have with yourself".
I couldn't agree more. After all that's happened, I am even more determined to make sure that I'm always the best I can be and that I make myself happy. I never want to rely on another person to give me those feelings again.

no matter what happens.... school goes on

I find it weird that despite I seem to be living this horrendous nightmare that won't go away, I still have the routine of school.
School everyday. School work all day. Stress related to school never ending.
It's like the only thing that keeps me grounded and focused.

This week was sooooo busy. Thank god I now have no life and have plenty of time to do school stuff.
I had a 25 page paper, 10 page paper, 5 page paper + quiz + 1 proposal + lots of readings all due today and tomorrow. Due to my amazing time management, I finished everything yesterday.

In 2 weeks from today, I will have another 25 page paper, final exam, 20 page paper, 5 page paper + more readings to do. Lovely.

Thank you Scarlett

I was at Shoppers today waiting in line (for what seemed forever) and I saw this picture of Scarlett Johansson on the cover of Glamour magazine. I LOVE THE SHIRT! Well, I love Scarlett too. The girl looks always beautiful and classy.

I'm surprised I haven't mentioned it on my blog my INTENSE love for fashion (and all things beautiful). My dream has always been be a fashion designer. Unfortunately, I don't have much money or time to be much of a fashionista. The days that I try, I can pull a look together pretty uniquely. Some of my happiest moments in life are when I'm creating something, whether its sewing a evening gown, a drawing of the moon or an awesome powerpoint presentation. I just love creating visual beauty (inner beauty is just as enjoyable but not as satisfying when you can see it). I guess, when I saw this photo, it reminded me of my dream.

With all that's going on, I'm finding it really hard to get back on my path. My path was somewhat simple before the baby. I was going to go to fashion design school, get an amazing internship and work my ass off to acheive my dream of owning my own clothing company. This dream made me smile and feel hopeful now matter how bad my life was going or how horrible I was feeling.

I don't plan on ever letting go of my dream.... I just don't know how to achieve it anymore. The past few weeks have been really dragging me down. I've tried really hard to stay positive but I was stupid and let myself imagine keeping the baby... and suddenly, I can't think of anything else. Usually nothing can seep into my mind when I'm dreaming of my designing future.... but my baby has managed to worm its way in. My precious, little baby has such a pull to it. I try so hard to keep myself apart from the baby; to not get attached because I know that the best thing for the baby is to be adopted. It's the only hope for this baby to have a stable, normal future.

But then I think, hey, maybe my baby doesn't want a stable, normal life. What if I could manage giving it a loving home and still live my dream. It would be perfect... but will I ever achieve it? I've always been one to think that a person makes their future. God watches over and every once in a while will throw you a good luck bone, but our paths are made by us. I will control my life and make my dreams reality... but can I do it with a baby? Sometimes, I think that keeping the baby will help push me more. But then I think of what money is going to feed it.... and my mind pulls a blank. Benefits? How am I going to pay for dental if I have no benefits while slaving away in design school? Who's going to watch the baby while I'm at school???
All these practical things pop to mind, and I just don't see how I'm going to combine my 2 biggest wants in life.
Stupid Dan. If he was around, at least I'd have some money helping me out and a babysitter.

Thank you Scarlett for reminding me of my dream. Let's see if I can figure out what to do now.

To no one in particular

I just want to congratulate myself on finally gaining a pound! WOOHOO!
It took lots of work and lots of junk food but I'm slowly gaining my much needed weight.

I've also been working really hard on keeping myself busy in order to not let the depression back in. I try to go to the gym 3 times a week and swim twice a week. Plus, I still eat really healthy foods and feel great (at least physically).

I drink at least 8 ounces of water everyday too! Plus all my vitamins and am getting the rest I need... except when the baby starts acting up and kicking RIGHT when I start to fall asleep.

Woohoo Me!

To Baby

I'm sorry if my anger is bad for you. I'm known for my scary temper.
This week was bad. I have 3 papers to write for next week, 1 test and 2 small presentations. I'm a bit stressed but that's not what makes me mad. I'm really good at managing my time, so I'm not worried about not finished everything in time.
I'm mad that unnecessary complications have arisen that have pushed me back on schedule.

In one of my classes, the prof selected my group. Unfortunately, the group consists of all asians. I've never been very fond of working with just asians.... its like they can't control themselves when they're put together. The whole "collective" thinking problem comes up and they can't focus. It doesn't help that my group members are like little children anyways.
ARGH! They make me so mad. It's been 4 days and they still don't have anything figured out.
So I apologize for all the yelling and "anger adrenaline" that keeps you up.

Dear DD

My biggest question in life is why? Why did you fall in love with me? Why did you say we'd be together forever? Why did you ever bother to look at me if you knew that one day, you'd just break my heart and leave?
After all the tears you've put me through.... after the countless number of times you've walked away from me.... why do I still love you?
Why are you the one I dream of every night? Why are you the one that keeps me up at night? I lie in bed, so angry at all the things you've done. I'm filled with so much hate and pain that I vow every night that this is it; I'll move on and never look back. I will never let you hurt me again.
Why are you the first thing I think of when I wake up? I leave my dreams of you and open my eyes to an empty world it seems. There's no you to laugh with. There's no you to confide to. There's no you to hold my hand as I go down this hard road.

I wake up every morning for our child. I keep moving and breathing for our child. And through this child, I pour all the love I have for you, and yet, not a day goes by when I secretly don't wish that I would give up everything, just to have you with me again, even if for a day. I've never regretted our baby. I always said that you and I were like 2 puzzle pieces. Alone, we were just ordinary objects but when put together, we made a beautiful picture. You were everything I wasn't. You were simple, carefree, always willing to love, so non-judgmental. I was everything you weren't. I was the quiet one, the reflective one, the one who kept us going.
I remember all the fights we had. I was always so quick to give up on us and you never let me. You fought everytime I left and I always came back. I never knew someone could love me so much. I always came back. Why then won't you come back?

I keep you at an arms distance. Everyone warns me not to involve you.... to just move on and focus on myself and the baby. When I see you, I hide everything. I talk to you with a mono-tone voice, not revealing that all I want to do is beg for you to come back. I look at you with unfeeling eyes, trying not to show that the depth of love I feel. I walk away, and fight running back to you with every step. I still love you.... just as much as I did when you first swept me off my feet. I'll love you forever.... just like I told you I would each time you held me.

But I'm done fighting for you. I'm done wasting my breath with words that just get swept off your ears. I'm done listening to lie after lie.
I believe that you will one day you will wake up. That the fear that keeps you running will fade and that my old Danny will come back. The one that was never afraid to love; to show his feelings. He will come back and you won't be lost anymore.

I also believe, that I'll be gone by then. That despite how much I love you, my fear of being left behind will keep me running. I run as fast as I can away from you. You've left me alone enough times that I've gotten quite a head start. Sometimes, I hear you call and I slow down, but the moment your voice fades, I run for my life.... for my heart.

My poor baby. I'm sorry that it has you for a father. I'm sorry that I can't make you understand. I'm sorry that because of our failures, the baby will suffer. my poor baby

It's going to be alright

I look backed at my previous blogs today. Haha... even though I left so many details out of the blogs, it still brings me some comfort to know that I can look back and remember exactly what was going on the day I wrote that post.
I was going to erase all the posts and start afresh, but after reading the blogs, I thought to myself that life is built upon a past, just like this blog will be. Only then will it be a true reflection of my life.

I am still pregnant. Coming close to 5 months now. I have decided on adoption. There are many problems between the father and myself... but unfortunately/fortunately, he's still in the picture.... To a certain extent. I told him that I was going to be THE parent to this baby. That I would make all decisions because I had just had enough of his constant absence, his selfishness and his uncaring-ness. It is a privilege for him to be involved in whatever time I have left with my baby. A privilege that if he wasted for even a second, would be taken away.
I refuse to let him hurt me anymore. I refuse to let him pull me off my path. I refuse to be walked over.

I'm still not sure what I want this blog to be. Why should it exist?
I feel like the blog is more like a letter. A letter to my baby? A letter to my family and friends? A letter to the father? A letter to a person who might think that there is not light left in the world? I don't know.
All I know is that no matter what happens in my life, it will not be forgotten. Even if it's just documented on the internet.

I was telling my cousin today that I had finally reached that stage in "grief" where you know that despite all the pain and hurt, you're going to come out alright. Though my situation is far from being over (I'm aware there are still many more tears to come), I know that in the end, it will all have been for something and that I will come out just fine.

moving on...

I hate drama. I avoid it at all costs.
I'm surprised that even with all my problems, I've managed to keep the "drama" out.
Life is just life. No matter what I do, my life will continue on..... hopefully happily.

I had a job interview today. I've been searching for a "real" job for the past 6 months.
It went really well. I have another interview next week. It's a consulting position and the job is pretty much self-employed. I love being self employed because of the flexibility it involves.
Hopefully it'll be that change I've been looking for.

stable and mundane my ass....

It's been weeks since I've blogged. I couldn't really find the strength or reason to do so. I didn't want to think about what was happening to my life.
My 2.5 year relationship suddenly ends after an announcement that he wants to join the army (something that I've never wanted him to do). I don't want to have to worry about whether he's going to make it or not. Whether I'll suddenly find myself alone in a world without him. We fight, we end the relationship.
I find out I am pregnant 3 weeks later. Thanks to the lovely grapevine at work, 2 weeks later, everyone else finds out I'm pregnant. Mr.Father is much to trusting of people and could never fathom that this topic would be too tempting for people to keep to themselves.
It's been 1.5 months since I found out..... and I still have no clue what I'm going to do. There are so many sides to each option. Unforeseen consequences that could last my lifetime. My family is not supportive (their Asian culture and upbringing makes this situation very complicated for them). Mr.Father is still so young and immature. He is still struggling as to what HE should do.
My schooling is not done. I have no stable job. I have no money...... and I think most importantly, I have no desire to be a mother.

However, I love this baby with all my heart. I pity this baby for being created at such an inopportune time. I want the best for it, but I can't see what the best thing is.
There are so many risks to having this baby. Risks that can lead to so much suffering. My family, myself, my friends and my baby.
Many people have told me to think only of myself when it comes to making this life-altering decision. But, I've never been one to think of myself exclusively. What people think and feel has always been so important to me. I want people to be happy.... and I'm afraid that my final decision will cause so much unhappiness that after all I have had to struggle with, it'll just be for nothing.

My question is whether you can put a price on life. Not a monetary price but a relative price. Or is life just so valuable that it should always be given? In my mind, life is precious.
But am I willing to put my life on the line for this new life? I have 2 weeks to find out the answer.

a brief overview

My life so far is pretty ordinary. It's the IDEAL stable, mundane life.
People go through life looking through one perspective... theirs. Really? How else is there to view life except through one's eyes. I've always been fascinated with how different people live their lives. No matter how boring their life may seem to others, it's probably exciting in its own way or else, how could they get through the day.

I guess, my goal with this blog is to just let someone else see what my life is like. I think it's interesting.... but I guess that just because it's my life. Like I said, my life is the ideal mundane story. I'm a university student studying business with big dreams. I'm quite the creative one and recently have picked up an addiction to working out. It's ironic... I was never good at gym class (or even interested in it for that matter). I was always the "skinny asian girl". One of my professors told me it was a good idea to develop a "pitch" about yourself. So that when you go into an interview, you can describe yourself in 3-4 sentences and have the interviewer remember you. hahaha... I have NO idea how I could capture my essence in 3-4 sentences.

How should I describe myself? Through my traits?
I'm loud, short, "spunky" (some older aquafit ladies call me that), opinionated (but only when I know my opinion is good) and spiritual. Not spiritual in a religuous way. A good friend of mine said I was spiritual in the way that I connect with people. I see people's "soul" more than the outerness of people. I never viewed myself that way before until he told me this. I just thought I was good at picking up people's emotions.

I don't like describing myself through traits. Millions of people have similar traits but I think the way you handle experiences says more about you than any old trait. But how can I describe the multitude of experiences I've had in order to depict my life? Especially when my life is at a crossroad right now, a

Publish Post

nd the next few steps I take will change my life significantly.

Day 1: a blog is born

My first blog..... very excited.
This will be good. :)