Tuesday, December 22, 2009

It takes two

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder... How the hell did I get here? When this thought comes up, I find myself staring off into space and thinking of only one thing: where is he?
I try so hard to stay positive, to focus on always moving forward and to try and forget the past. But I find that as the big day looms closer.... I'm starting to feel more alone and more scared. I never realized just how lonely "motherhood" is. The livelihood of this precious being lies completely in my hands. The future of so many lives rest on the decisions I make today. What I hate the most is that this is such a new thing for everybody. It's like a trek across a field riddled with landmines. Trial and error seem to be the only way to get to the other side.

How did I get here? I have 2 journals filled with entries on D. Every night, I'm overwhelmed by this need to relive my past. A past where I was so happy. So consistently and unquestionable happy. Every night, I open up one of these journals and read my entries that seem to have been written so long ago. Afterwards, I read the date and realize it was only 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 9 months ago. I have lost so much and have gained so much... but the weight of what I've lost seems to shadow the things I've gained. I miss my best friend so much. I miss the only person I can honestly say knew me better than I knew myself. I miss the small things like the comfort of knowing he was only a phone call away, smiling when I saw his number calling me, the hugs. I see him now and it's like looking into the eyes of a stranger. I try my best to avoid looking at him because the pain is just overwhelming sometimes. How did we get here? We spent 2.5 years giggling and whispering into the phone every night, confiding everything to each other. We'd catch each others' eyes from across the room and instantly know what the other was thinking. I came across a picture of us taken 2 summers ago. We were sitting together at a friend's party. His arms were around me, our fingers intertwined and we were just smiling so happily at each other.

Love is a dangerous game. The bigger the love.... the more threatening the game. I keep seeing my friends one by one lose their loves either due to careers, other people or just the slow dying of the feelings. Hindsight is a bitch. If I could, I would call him right now and just apologize for being a stupid, naive girl who foolishly let herself fall in love. I would apologize for demanding such ridiculous expectations like phonecalls every night, hanging out with me all the time, including me in every part of your life. These things seem so small and juvenille in hindsight. I promise that if given another chance, I'd do it better. I'd make him so happy that he'd never think twice about leaving me. Maybe then, I'd have the strength to keep my baby.
But the reality is that it takes two to make a relationship work. It takes two to complete a child's life. It takes two to fix what has been broken. I can't do it all. I've tried and I've failed so many times. I was trying to explain to my friend the other day the fall of heartbreak. How, even though it may seem impossible, climbing out of the fog of pain is possible. Once you hit rock bottom, there's nowhere else to go but up. I've hit rock bottom more times that I care to remember. I've blocked so many memories of those painful months that when the time has come for me to retell my experiences to others to try and help them... I'm faced with a black wall.

I walk around trying to put my strongest foot forward, to keep my head up high and my eyes on the my dreams. I apoligize to my friends for not being better able to tell them how to get through these horrible times, but hopefully, they can look at me and realize that the other side is there.... and happiness can be felt again. It may not be as complete as what it used to be, but it's there and it's presence is still worth every effort.
I may not be strong enough to keep my baby or fix my broken relationship.... but I am strong enough to not lose hope that maybe.... maybe this all happened for a reason and one day, I'll be able to be completely happy again as I was 9 months ago.

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