Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Thank you Scarlett

Scarlett Johansson white heart tee shirt
I was at Shoppers today waiting in line (for what seemed forever) and I saw this picture of Scarlett Johansson on the cover of Glamour magazine. I LOVE THE SHIRT! Well, I love Scarlett too. The girl looks always beautiful and classy.

I'm surprised I haven't mentioned it on my blog my INTENSE love for fashion (and all things beautiful). My dream has always been be a fashion designer. Unfortunately, I don't have much money or time to be much of a fashionista. The days that I try, I can pull a look together pretty uniquely. Some of my happiest moments in life are when I'm creating something, whether its sewing a evening gown, a drawing of the moon or an awesome powerpoint presentation. I just love creating visual beauty (inner beauty is just as enjoyable but not as satisfying when you can see it). I guess, when I saw this photo, it reminded me of my dream.

With all that's going on, I'm finding it really hard to get back on my path. My path was somewhat simple before the baby. I was going to go to fashion design school, get an amazing internship and work my ass off to acheive my dream of owning my own clothing company. This dream made me smile and feel hopeful now matter how bad my life was going or how horrible I was feeling.

I don't plan on ever letting go of my dream.... I just don't know how to achieve it anymore. The past few weeks have been really dragging me down. I've tried really hard to stay positive but I was stupid and let myself imagine keeping the baby... and suddenly, I can't think of anything else. Usually nothing can seep into my mind when I'm dreaming of my designing future.... but my baby has managed to worm its way in. My precious, little baby has such a pull to it. I try so hard to keep myself apart from the baby; to not get attached because I know that the best thing for the baby is to be adopted. It's the only hope for this baby to have a stable, normal future.

But then I think, hey, maybe my baby doesn't want a stable, normal life. What if I could manage giving it a loving home and still live my dream. It would be perfect... but will I ever achieve it? I've always been one to think that a person makes their future. God watches over and every once in a while will throw you a good luck bone, but our paths are made by us. I will control my life and make my dreams reality... but can I do it with a baby? Sometimes, I think that keeping the baby will help push me more. But then I think of what money is going to feed it.... and my mind pulls a blank. Benefits? How am I going to pay for dental if I have no benefits while slaving away in design school? Who's going to watch the baby while I'm at school???
All these practical things pop to mind, and I just don't see how I'm going to combine my 2 biggest wants in life.
Stupid Dan. If he was around, at least I'd have some money helping me out and a babysitter.

Thank you Scarlett for reminding me of my dream. Let's see if I can figure out what to do now.

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