My Journey through Adoption: Part I

When I first released my blog out into the worldwide web, I did it because I wanted to share my story with others who might be or who will one day be in my position. So... here it goes.

I remember the day, I found out I was pregnant. My period was 2 weeks late, but I didn't really notice because my period was always a bit weird. I was feeling more tired than usual, but it was because I had been partying and drinking every night. The idea that I might be pregnant popped into my head randomly during the middle of my lifeguarding shift. My close friend, and supervisor at the time, was walking by me, gave my hand a squeeze because she was excited about the party I was hosting that night. Without even thinking, I let my mind slip and say, "I think I might be pregnant". She was shocked, obviously. I quickly recovered and brushed the idea off as being stupid. I didn't think of it afterwards.

After my shift, I stopped by the grocery store close to my house to grab some dinner. I also grabbed a pregnancy test. I think somewhere deep down knew; knew the entire time that I was pregnant. I walked into my empty house. My family was gone on vacation and I was by myself for ten days. I calmly put the groceries away, climbed up the stairs and walked into my parent's bathroom. I unwrapped the kit, read the instructions and, still very calmly, peed on the stick. I sat on the edge of the bathtub waiting with no thoughts or voices in my head. Just silence.

The pregnancy test showed positive within 10 seconds. I thought it was a mistake because the test was supposed to take at least 2 minutes before showing any results. So I waited the full 2 minutes staring at the stick, simply waiting for it to show negative.... but I knew.

I started to cry. I sat there on the bathroom floor, hugging my knees and just cried my heart out. I cried because I was lonely. I cried for the boyfriend I had just lost. I cried for my baby. But I mostly cried, because I saw my beautifully planned life fall apart in seconds. I think I cried for about 10 minutes. I just remember feeling lightning bolts of pain shooting back and forth through my heart.

I eventually reached my cell phone, dialled up my supervisor and told her to go buy me another test. Being asian, my second thought was how I should have bought the kit with two tests. It would have been cheaper. I filled up my water bottle and sat on my front porch to wait for my friend. It seemed like forever. I don't remember what was running through my mind at the time.

After my friend arrived, time started flying. The test showed positive once again.... within 10 seconds once again. My friend hugged me as the few remaining tears I had left rolled down my face. She packed me into the car and drove me to the nearby walk-in clinic. The secretary was I girl I went to school with. We talked cheerfully, with me acting like nothing was wrong. We were told to come back in an hour and the doctor would be ready for us. My friend walked me to Shoppers Drug Mart and bought me some prenatal vitamins. I didn't understand anything. What do you mean I have to take multi-vitamin pills everyday for the whole pregnancy? Why do they cost so much? Don't they come in bulk?

When we came back to the clinic, we were quickly put into a room. The doctor who entered my room was a joke sent from God. He was young, indian and very nervous. I told him I thought I was pregnant which made his nervousness skyrocket. He kept stumbling over every word. I could hear him praying that he wouldn't say the wrong thing to the young pregnant girl in his office. He got me to do another pregnancy test. All I could think of as I was peeing was how I shouldn't have even bothered with the other two pregnancy tests seeing how the clinic gave unlimited, free tests. I just wasted $50.

My pregnancy was officially declared in these words, "Well..... the test confirms..... that you are.... you know.... what you thought.... you were".

I could barely hear him over the jangling of the change in his pocket. He looked like he was going to cry. I felt so bad so I cracked some jokes to lighten the mood. It made the jangling change even louder.

My friend and I left the clinic laughing, with only minutes to spare before the pool staff was due at my house. Sure enough, two of them were waiting by my door when I got home.

I got changed, plastered a fake smile on my face and went to make drinks. Everyone arrived punctually, which is something unheard of in our circles. I laughed and had a good time despite my anger at not being allowed to drink anything, but, the whole time, I felt like a ghost hovering over the scene. After some drinking games, we all piled into me and my friend's car and drove to a nearby bar where all the other pools were gathering.

I got out of the car, and the first person I see turn the corner is D. "Whatever," I thought. I spent the night with one eye on D and the other eye laughing with my friends. I was determined to not ruin the night. He looked at me once. An hour later, I saw him get into his car with a strange blonde, a few pool friends and drive off.

Eventually, we all got bored and returned to my house for a massive sleepover-fest. I was exhausted and the only one not drunk. I quickly put on my pjs and crawled into bed. A few of the staff climbed in too and we stayed up for a good 2 hours just gossiping and joking around. It was actually really fun, and made me forget my pregnancy for a bit. I fell asleep with the sound of all my friends having a blast in my house.

I woke up the next morning and quickly took my prenatal vitamins. My trip down motherhood had started.