I look backed at my previous blogs today. Haha... even though I left so many details out of the blogs, it still brings me some comfort to know that I can look back and remember exactly what was going on the day I wrote that post.
I was going to erase all the posts and start afresh, but after reading the blogs, I thought to myself that life is built upon a past, just like this blog will be. Only then will it be a true reflection of my life.
I am still pregnant. Coming close to 5 months now. I have decided on adoption. There are many problems between the father and myself... but unfortunately/fortunately, he's still in the picture.... To a certain extent. I told him that I was going to be THE parent to this baby. That I would make all decisions because I had just had enough of his constant absence, his selfishness and his uncaring-ness. It is a privilege for him to be involved in whatever time I have left with my baby. A privilege that if he wasted for even a second, would be taken away.
I refuse to let him hurt me anymore. I refuse to let him pull me off my path. I refuse to be walked over.
I'm still not sure what I want this blog to be. Why should it exist?
I feel like the blog is more like a letter. A letter to my baby? A letter to my family and friends? A letter to the father? A letter to a person who might think that there is not light left in the world? I don't know.
All I know is that no matter what happens in my life, it will not be forgotten. Even if it's just documented on the internet.
I was telling my cousin today that I had finally reached that stage in "grief" where you know that despite all the pain and hurt, you're going to come out alright. Though my situation is far from being over (I'm aware there are still many more tears to come), I know that in the end, it will all have been for something and that I will come out just fine.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
moving on...
I hate drama. I avoid it at all costs.
I'm surprised that even with all my problems, I've managed to keep the "drama" out.
Life is just life. No matter what I do, my life will continue on..... hopefully happily.
I had a job interview today. I've been searching for a "real" job for the past 6 months.
It went really well. I have another interview next week. It's a consulting position and the job is pretty much self-employed. I love being self employed because of the flexibility it involves.
Hopefully it'll be that change I've been looking for.
I'm surprised that even with all my problems, I've managed to keep the "drama" out.
Life is just life. No matter what I do, my life will continue on..... hopefully happily.
I had a job interview today. I've been searching for a "real" job for the past 6 months.
It went really well. I have another interview next week. It's a consulting position and the job is pretty much self-employed. I love being self employed because of the flexibility it involves.
Hopefully it'll be that change I've been looking for.
Monday, August 17, 2009
stable and mundane my ass....
It's been weeks since I've blogged. I couldn't really find the strength or reason to do so. I didn't want to think about what was happening to my life.
My 2.5 year relationship suddenly ends after an announcement that he wants to join the army (something that I've never wanted him to do). I don't want to have to worry about whether he's going to make it or not. Whether I'll suddenly find myself alone in a world without him. We fight, we end the relationship.
I find out I am pregnant 3 weeks later. Thanks to the lovely grapevine at work, 2 weeks later, everyone else finds out I'm pregnant. Mr.Father is much to trusting of people and could never fathom that this topic would be too tempting for people to keep to themselves.
It's been 1.5 months since I found out..... and I still have no clue what I'm going to do. There are so many sides to each option. Unforeseen consequences that could last my lifetime. My family is not supportive (their Asian culture and upbringing makes this situation very complicated for them). Mr.Father is still so young and immature. He is still struggling as to what HE should do.
My schooling is not done. I have no stable job. I have no money...... and I think most importantly, I have no desire to be a mother.
However, I love this baby with all my heart. I pity this baby for being created at such an inopportune time. I want the best for it, but I can't see what the best thing is.
There are so many risks to having this baby. Risks that can lead to so much suffering. My family, myself, my friends and my baby.
Many people have told me to think only of myself when it comes to making this life-altering decision. But, I've never been one to think of myself exclusively. What people think and feel has always been so important to me. I want people to be happy.... and I'm afraid that my final decision will cause so much unhappiness that after all I have had to struggle with, it'll just be for nothing.
My question is whether you can put a price on life. Not a monetary price but a relative price. Or is life just so valuable that it should always be given? In my mind, life is precious.
But am I willing to put my life on the line for this new life? I have 2 weeks to find out the answer.
My 2.5 year relationship suddenly ends after an announcement that he wants to join the army (something that I've never wanted him to do). I don't want to have to worry about whether he's going to make it or not. Whether I'll suddenly find myself alone in a world without him. We fight, we end the relationship.
I find out I am pregnant 3 weeks later. Thanks to the lovely grapevine at work, 2 weeks later, everyone else finds out I'm pregnant. Mr.Father is much to trusting of people and could never fathom that this topic would be too tempting for people to keep to themselves.
It's been 1.5 months since I found out..... and I still have no clue what I'm going to do. There are so many sides to each option. Unforeseen consequences that could last my lifetime. My family is not supportive (their Asian culture and upbringing makes this situation very complicated for them). Mr.Father is still so young and immature. He is still struggling as to what HE should do.
My schooling is not done. I have no stable job. I have no money...... and I think most importantly, I have no desire to be a mother.
However, I love this baby with all my heart. I pity this baby for being created at such an inopportune time. I want the best for it, but I can't see what the best thing is.
There are so many risks to having this baby. Risks that can lead to so much suffering. My family, myself, my friends and my baby.
Many people have told me to think only of myself when it comes to making this life-altering decision. But, I've never been one to think of myself exclusively. What people think and feel has always been so important to me. I want people to be happy.... and I'm afraid that my final decision will cause so much unhappiness that after all I have had to struggle with, it'll just be for nothing.
My question is whether you can put a price on life. Not a monetary price but a relative price. Or is life just so valuable that it should always be given? In my mind, life is precious.
But am I willing to put my life on the line for this new life? I have 2 weeks to find out the answer.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
a brief overview
My life so far is pretty ordinary. It's the IDEAL stable, mundane life.
People go through life looking through one perspective... theirs. Really? How else is there to view life except through one's eyes. I've always been fascinated with how different people live their lives. No matter how boring their life may seem to others, it's probably exciting in its own way or else, how could they get through the day.
I guess, my goal with this blog is to just let someone else see what my life is like. I think it's interesting.... but I guess that just because it's my life. Like I said, my life is the ideal mundane story. I'm a university student studying business with big dreams. I'm quite the creative one and recently have picked up an addiction to working out. It's ironic... I was never good at gym class (or even interested in it for that matter). I was always the "skinny asian girl". One of my professors told me it was a good idea to develop a "pitch" about yourself. So that when you go into an interview, you can describe yourself in 3-4 sentences and have the interviewer remember you. hahaha... I have NO idea how I could capture my essence in 3-4 sentences.
How should I describe myself? Through my traits?
I'm loud, short, "spunky" (some older aquafit ladies call me that), opinionated (but only when I know my opinion is good) and spiritual. Not spiritual in a religuous way. A good friend of mine said I was spiritual in the way that I connect with people. I see people's "soul" more than the outerness of people. I never viewed myself that way before until he told me this. I just thought I was good at picking up people's emotions.
I don't like describing myself through traits. Millions of people have similar traits but I think the way you handle experiences says more about you than any old trait. But how can I describe the multitude of experiences I've had in order to depict my life? Especially when my life is at a crossroad right now, and the next few steps I take will change my life significantly.
People go through life looking through one perspective... theirs. Really? How else is there to view life except through one's eyes. I've always been fascinated with how different people live their lives. No matter how boring their life may seem to others, it's probably exciting in its own way or else, how could they get through the day.
I guess, my goal with this blog is to just let someone else see what my life is like. I think it's interesting.... but I guess that just because it's my life. Like I said, my life is the ideal mundane story. I'm a university student studying business with big dreams. I'm quite the creative one and recently have picked up an addiction to working out. It's ironic... I was never good at gym class (or even interested in it for that matter). I was always the "skinny asian girl". One of my professors told me it was a good idea to develop a "pitch" about yourself. So that when you go into an interview, you can describe yourself in 3-4 sentences and have the interviewer remember you. hahaha... I have NO idea how I could capture my essence in 3-4 sentences.
How should I describe myself? Through my traits?
I'm loud, short, "spunky" (some older aquafit ladies call me that), opinionated (but only when I know my opinion is good) and spiritual. Not spiritual in a religuous way. A good friend of mine said I was spiritual in the way that I connect with people. I see people's "soul" more than the outerness of people. I never viewed myself that way before until he told me this. I just thought I was good at picking up people's emotions.
I don't like describing myself through traits. Millions of people have similar traits but I think the way you handle experiences says more about you than any old trait. But how can I describe the multitude of experiences I've had in order to depict my life? Especially when my life is at a crossroad right now, a
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Friday, June 12, 2009
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