Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My Journery through Adoption: II

My first trimester is pretty much a blur. I can't remember much. I don't know if it's because I repressed the memories or because it was such an emotional roller coaster that all the memories have blurred into one.

The next milestone I distinctively remember after finding out about the pregnancy was telling D.

After the break up, we were still fooling around and hanging out but it had become a malicious game. Who could prove that they had moved on first without pushing away the other. He'd hurt me. I'd hurt him back. It was stupid.

The week of the pregnancy discovery, I was mad at D. He had done something really asshole-ish to me (I can't even remember now), and I had decided I was done with him and hadn't contacted him in over a week..... which was quite a feat since we were used to talking to each other every other day for 2.5 years.

I mulled over how I was going to tell him for 2 days. I was so scared. I had no idea what to expect, how he was going to react, what stupid thing he would say. I was a mess.

I remember calling him in the evening and asking him to come over to talk. He was hanging out at his friend's house and said he could be there in an hour. I have no idea how I passed the time.
The bell rang. I opened the door and there he was, the father of my baby. He had a big smile on his face. Little did he know his life was going to be changed forever.

It was dark outside, the neighborhood was completely silent, you could hear crickets chirping through the windows and we sat on my long sofa with one dim light on. The atmosphere was so peaceful ironically. Just another beautiful summer night.

I remember that we started arguing over something. I remember declaring that I didn't love him anymore. I remember his silence.

I started to cry.

"D. I'm pregnant".

He pulled me into his lap and hugged me as I cried.

Eventually, I stopped. I asked him what he was thinking. Was he surprised?

I'll never forget how he said his next words. He said it so quietly... so astonished.

"Actually. I'm more surprised that you don't love me anymore".


"I'm going to be a daddy?"

I laughed and hugged him. This was the D I had fallen in love with. Not the hard, selfish monster I had been arguing with for the last month.

He stayed with my the next two nights and I let myself think that maybe it was going to work out after all.

The monster returned soon after, crushing any hope I had.

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