Good weekend

I have not talked to "him" in 1 week and 2 days! YEA!!!
I have to admit that though I miss him so much, having him out of my life is like a breath of fresh air. I don't feel suffocated and actually, feel really strong and good about myself.

This weekend, I focused on spending time with my family and catching up with all my assignments. I don't have much of a life anymore and am surprised at how well I'm doing at school. I have nothing else to do but study so I'm actually done my assignments ahead of time! I feel really good about myself. I'm still exercising a lot and eating really healthy.
Another positive about being single, I don't spend as much money!! I hardly ever go out for dinner and when I do, I don't have to pay for 2 people! :)

For one of my classes, I had to write a paper titled "Best-self". Basically, I had to get a bunch of people to write down what they thought was my best quality. I then have to reflect on the answers and describe what I am like at my best. The point of the assignment is to figure out how to keep yourself at your best as often and long as possible. I can see it being really beneficial for a lot of business students who don't really bother on self-reflection. I, however, have always been self-absorbed and have spent my entire life developing my "inner-self" and skills. None of my friends and family's answers were unexpected though 2 of them surprised me. My 2 best friends said my best quality is that I am ambitious and dedicated. I never knew that they saw that as my best quality. It was kind of weird but enlightening.

My favorite quote I've ever heard is: "The most important relationship you'll ever have in life, is the relationship you have with yourself".
I couldn't agree more. After all that's happened, I am even more determined to make sure that I'm always the best I can be and that I make myself happy. I never want to rely on another person to give me those feelings again.

no matter what happens.... school goes on

I find it weird that despite I seem to be living this horrendous nightmare that won't go away, I still have the routine of school.
School everyday. School work all day. Stress related to school never ending.
It's like the only thing that keeps me grounded and focused.

This week was sooooo busy. Thank god I now have no life and have plenty of time to do school stuff.
I had a 25 page paper, 10 page paper, 5 page paper + quiz + 1 proposal + lots of readings all due today and tomorrow. Due to my amazing time management, I finished everything yesterday.

In 2 weeks from today, I will have another 25 page paper, final exam, 20 page paper, 5 page paper + more readings to do. Lovely.

Thank you Scarlett

I was at Shoppers today waiting in line (for what seemed forever) and I saw this picture of Scarlett Johansson on the cover of Glamour magazine. I LOVE THE SHIRT! Well, I love Scarlett too. The girl looks always beautiful and classy.

I'm surprised I haven't mentioned it on my blog my INTENSE love for fashion (and all things beautiful). My dream has always been be a fashion designer. Unfortunately, I don't have much money or time to be much of a fashionista. The days that I try, I can pull a look together pretty uniquely. Some of my happiest moments in life are when I'm creating something, whether its sewing a evening gown, a drawing of the moon or an awesome powerpoint presentation. I just love creating visual beauty (inner beauty is just as enjoyable but not as satisfying when you can see it). I guess, when I saw this photo, it reminded me of my dream.

With all that's going on, I'm finding it really hard to get back on my path. My path was somewhat simple before the baby. I was going to go to fashion design school, get an amazing internship and work my ass off to acheive my dream of owning my own clothing company. This dream made me smile and feel hopeful now matter how bad my life was going or how horrible I was feeling.

I don't plan on ever letting go of my dream.... I just don't know how to achieve it anymore. The past few weeks have been really dragging me down. I've tried really hard to stay positive but I was stupid and let myself imagine keeping the baby... and suddenly, I can't think of anything else. Usually nothing can seep into my mind when I'm dreaming of my designing future.... but my baby has managed to worm its way in. My precious, little baby has such a pull to it. I try so hard to keep myself apart from the baby; to not get attached because I know that the best thing for the baby is to be adopted. It's the only hope for this baby to have a stable, normal future.

But then I think, hey, maybe my baby doesn't want a stable, normal life. What if I could manage giving it a loving home and still live my dream. It would be perfect... but will I ever achieve it? I've always been one to think that a person makes their future. God watches over and every once in a while will throw you a good luck bone, but our paths are made by us. I will control my life and make my dreams reality... but can I do it with a baby? Sometimes, I think that keeping the baby will help push me more. But then I think of what money is going to feed it.... and my mind pulls a blank. Benefits? How am I going to pay for dental if I have no benefits while slaving away in design school? Who's going to watch the baby while I'm at school???
All these practical things pop to mind, and I just don't see how I'm going to combine my 2 biggest wants in life.
Stupid Dan. If he was around, at least I'd have some money helping me out and a babysitter.

Thank you Scarlett for reminding me of my dream. Let's see if I can figure out what to do now.

To no one in particular

I just want to congratulate myself on finally gaining a pound! WOOHOO!
It took lots of work and lots of junk food but I'm slowly gaining my much needed weight.

I've also been working really hard on keeping myself busy in order to not let the depression back in. I try to go to the gym 3 times a week and swim twice a week. Plus, I still eat really healthy foods and feel great (at least physically).

I drink at least 8 ounces of water everyday too! Plus all my vitamins and am getting the rest I need... except when the baby starts acting up and kicking RIGHT when I start to fall asleep.

Woohoo Me!

To Baby

I'm sorry if my anger is bad for you. I'm known for my scary temper.
This week was bad. I have 3 papers to write for next week, 1 test and 2 small presentations. I'm a bit stressed but that's not what makes me mad. I'm really good at managing my time, so I'm not worried about not finished everything in time.
I'm mad that unnecessary complications have arisen that have pushed me back on schedule.

In one of my classes, the prof selected my group. Unfortunately, the group consists of all asians. I've never been very fond of working with just asians.... its like they can't control themselves when they're put together. The whole "collective" thinking problem comes up and they can't focus. It doesn't help that my group members are like little children anyways.
ARGH! They make me so mad. It's been 4 days and they still don't have anything figured out.
So I apologize for all the yelling and "anger adrenaline" that keeps you up.

Dear DD

My biggest question in life is why? Why did you fall in love with me? Why did you say we'd be together forever? Why did you ever bother to look at me if you knew that one day, you'd just break my heart and leave?
After all the tears you've put me through.... after the countless number of times you've walked away from me.... why do I still love you?
Why are you the one I dream of every night? Why are you the one that keeps me up at night? I lie in bed, so angry at all the things you've done. I'm filled with so much hate and pain that I vow every night that this is it; I'll move on and never look back. I will never let you hurt me again.
Why are you the first thing I think of when I wake up? I leave my dreams of you and open my eyes to an empty world it seems. There's no you to laugh with. There's no you to confide to. There's no you to hold my hand as I go down this hard road.

I wake up every morning for our child. I keep moving and breathing for our child. And through this child, I pour all the love I have for you, and yet, not a day goes by when I secretly don't wish that I would give up everything, just to have you with me again, even if for a day. I've never regretted our baby. I always said that you and I were like 2 puzzle pieces. Alone, we were just ordinary objects but when put together, we made a beautiful picture. You were everything I wasn't. You were simple, carefree, always willing to love, so non-judgmental. I was everything you weren't. I was the quiet one, the reflective one, the one who kept us going.
I remember all the fights we had. I was always so quick to give up on us and you never let me. You fought everytime I left and I always came back. I never knew someone could love me so much. I always came back. Why then won't you come back?

I keep you at an arms distance. Everyone warns me not to involve you.... to just move on and focus on myself and the baby. When I see you, I hide everything. I talk to you with a mono-tone voice, not revealing that all I want to do is beg for you to come back. I look at you with unfeeling eyes, trying not to show that the depth of love I feel. I walk away, and fight running back to you with every step. I still love you.... just as much as I did when you first swept me off my feet. I'll love you forever.... just like I told you I would each time you held me.

But I'm done fighting for you. I'm done wasting my breath with words that just get swept off your ears. I'm done listening to lie after lie.
I believe that you will one day you will wake up. That the fear that keeps you running will fade and that my old Danny will come back. The one that was never afraid to love; to show his feelings. He will come back and you won't be lost anymore.

I also believe, that I'll be gone by then. That despite how much I love you, my fear of being left behind will keep me running. I run as fast as I can away from you. You've left me alone enough times that I've gotten quite a head start. Sometimes, I hear you call and I slow down, but the moment your voice fades, I run for my life.... for my heart.

My poor baby. I'm sorry that it has you for a father. I'm sorry that I can't make you understand. I'm sorry that because of our failures, the baby will suffer. my poor baby

It's going to be alright

I look backed at my previous blogs today. Haha... even though I left so many details out of the blogs, it still brings me some comfort to know that I can look back and remember exactly what was going on the day I wrote that post.
I was going to erase all the posts and start afresh, but after reading the blogs, I thought to myself that life is built upon a past, just like this blog will be. Only then will it be a true reflection of my life.

I am still pregnant. Coming close to 5 months now. I have decided on adoption. There are many problems between the father and myself... but unfortunately/fortunately, he's still in the picture.... To a certain extent. I told him that I was going to be THE parent to this baby. That I would make all decisions because I had just had enough of his constant absence, his selfishness and his uncaring-ness. It is a privilege for him to be involved in whatever time I have left with my baby. A privilege that if he wasted for even a second, would be taken away.
I refuse to let him hurt me anymore. I refuse to let him pull me off my path. I refuse to be walked over.

I'm still not sure what I want this blog to be. Why should it exist?
I feel like the blog is more like a letter. A letter to my baby? A letter to my family and friends? A letter to the father? A letter to a person who might think that there is not light left in the world? I don't know.
All I know is that no matter what happens in my life, it will not be forgotten. Even if it's just documented on the internet.

I was telling my cousin today that I had finally reached that stage in "grief" where you know that despite all the pain and hurt, you're going to come out alright. Though my situation is far from being over (I'm aware there are still many more tears to come), I know that in the end, it will all have been for something and that I will come out just fine.