Friday, January 15, 2010

Finding Passion

Oh my. It's already 2 o'clock and I haven't started any school work.

I've re-filled my water bottle, smeared wonderful smelling shea butter on my hands, put on some soft music and am ready to pour out my soul into today's blog post.

I'm having a baby. Just wanted to state that and move on. I'm going to do it. I'm going to be a mother and everything else that I want to be in the world.

I'm in no rush to reach all my dreams, I mean, half the fun is in the adventure to get their right?

As I'm writing today's blog, I'm also doodling in my art book.... in WATER COLORS! I haven't painted in years.

And as soon as I wrote that, I ran through my room and my sister's room trying to locate my water color pencils. Found them! ... in the bottom drawer at the back of my sister's closet.

Yesterday, I talked about happiness. I thought about happiness. I cannot conclude anything about happiness.

In my mind... it's a no brainer what happiness is, but when I try and write it out, try to apply it.... blankness. I think the reason the idea of happiness has suddenly taken over my life this past week is because I went from knowing what made me happy to NOT knowing. I was, out of nowhere, faced with all these options that forced me to think of other ways I could make myself happy. And not just short-term happiness; I had to unexpectedly re-evaluate everything I knew about my long-term happiness. What makes me happy? Are the things that make me happy right or wrong?

Thinking about happiness is getting me nowhere.

Passion however. Passion is something I can hold in my hands.

I am passionate about living life as fully as I can. I am passionate about creating and keeping meaningful friendships. I am passionate about creating things with my hands and my mind. I am passionate about learning and using that knowledge to change the world. I am passionate about clothes and creating beauty. I am passionate about writing and observing the world. I am passionate about being an individual and being one-of-a-kind.

My passions are what make me who I am. It's what makes me different from another person and another and another.

I've been going crazy on the internet; twittering, meeting all these new people.

People who I find inspirational.

People who I find fascinating.

People who I find insightful.

People who I find funny.

People who are amazing artists.

I've been reading about these people and I want to be them. They have one clear voice. One clear mind. I want to do the things they were doing because it would make me more like them.... and I'd be admired. (Twisted thinking?? Yes... I'm well aware of that).

I've been so jumbled up lately that untwisting myself has been painful. But, I'm getting there. I can feel it in my bones that my time for change is coming. I've been begging to God for years to change my life.... and it has come.

I always tell my friends, if you don't bother changing your shitty life now, God will do it for you and it probably won't be an easy win that He throws you.

Well, my throw was a baby and re-figuring my life has taken many sleepless nights, so much re-thinking and so so many tears. But, it's almost over. All the pieces are starting to fall permanently in place.

So, I've decided. I've decided where I want to go in life. What I want to do with life. (notice I say WITH not IN).

I started off with thinking about a word. In one word, how would I describe myself. Artist was the first thing that popped into my head. This actually surprised me; I haven't considered myself a true artist since I was a kid with all my pencil crayons, paints and paper. But, I realized that the term artist doesn't have to involve just art art... like a true artist, art can be molded into another form.

My art is more the art of the mind. I like thinking, I like dreaming. So my art is the art of my dreams which I plan on materializing into life.

Life is short. You have to organize your life efficiently in order to maximize your time here on Earth. I like being busy; having things to do, but this last trimester, I've found myself with so much free time that I end up filling my time with small things that I enjoy. Who cares if it furthers my career or if it increases my learning! It makes that one day a little bit more special.

With this social media phenomenon, people are rushing back to their computers to see what's been happening since they last checked. That stuff is fun but, you can't live life through a computer screen. Virtual relationships are great... but what about the relationship you have with yourself? I really enjoy writing my blog. I do it for myself and for whoever else is interested, but that's not my priorty. I keep reading lists and lists of how to make your blog stand out from the crowd.

  1. Choose a topic. 2) Write frequently. 3) Cater to your audience..........

I don't want to do that. Not yet. I just want to keep things simple and write about my life. I've learnt so much from just observing and hearing about other people's lives. I want to be able to do that for somebody else.

I have lots of talents, abilities, knowledge. I don't WANT to just choose one or two that I'm good at and focus on that. That's too stifling for my personality. So, I decide that I'm just going to do everything and see how that goes.

I don't want my blog to be stable. I want it to reflect exactly how I think and what I'm experiencing at that moment. It's my story.

So here's where I'm going from here. I'm going to really start up my underwear business because I just LOVE underwear too much. I couldn't decide which project to start on but I feel like being crafty so underwear is definitely the way to go.

I'm going to NOT let the business overload my life by taking some easy measures

  • Meditate before going to bed
  • Breathe in some fresh air everyday (even if that means sticking my nose out my window for 5 mins)
  • Blogging as often as I can.... writing is a way to keep me on track and to just think outloud
  • Simply take some time off and re-evaluate when needed. The fear of losing my passion will keep me from falling off the wagon.

I like multi-tasking. I'm really good at it. So I'm not worried about losing my path again. I just have to focus on what I want and keep focusing on it until I don't want to anymore.

I know where my priorities lie (which makes life a lot easier). I'm going to finish my little painting and finish my funeral plan for school.

No rush... everything will happen in time.

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