Sunday, January 17, 2010

Is being too open a bad thing???

This is The Big argument my family and I are having at the moment. Actually, it's been an argument since I was a child.

I've talked about my hate for secrecy and lies in quite a few blog posts.

I've always spoken candidly about my life; however, this is a no-no in the Asian culture.

Asian people are very private about 2 things: family and honor. Everything (including lying) must be done in order to preserve these two entities.

One of my biggest struggles in life has been to try and find a balance between two dramatically different cultures: Western vs. Asian. My soul speaks and understands Western culture. My family/ home overflows with Asian culture. The two collide more often than one can imagine. It's a constant struggle to make decisions because the two cultures usually dictate opposite ways of behaving.

So, my answer to this is: FUCK IT.

I'm going to live my life, MY way and screw what either culture thinks. I do what I feel is right and I don't care.

The baby's future is determined. I followed my heart. My daughter is staying with me. Despite this happy news, Asian culture demands that I feel ashamed. Unwed mothers are heavily frowned upon... especially SINGLE, unwed mothers. I want to scream my joy. But I can't.

My parents spent an hour lecturing me on how and why I should remain quiet until the baby is born.

"You are too open," were their words.

"You've already destroyed this baby's happiness by letting everyone know that you were considering adoption. When this baby finds out, she's going to hate you".

My mind immediately rebels and I say, "She'll hate me if I lie to her. She'll always know the truth".

My parents wave away my naive parenting thoughts.

"You must not tell anyone about your decision. Things will happen as time passes and you should leave things alone. Your friends may or may not turn their backs on you. And if they do, who knows what they'll say or do to you".

Maybe this is my "white" side coming out but I believe in kind humans. I believe that not everyone is going to turn out to be backstabbing, resentful individuals even if life shits on them.

Look at me.

I've had so many people hurt me, use me, and lie to me.

What happened to that perfect apartment I was raving about a few weeks ago?

I'll tell you; my now ex-friend, who had repeatedly confirmed that she was going to move out with me, backed out at the last second. Despite talking to her for over a month, constantly making sure that this was what she really wanted, asking if her family was okay with this.... she lied. Whether she was lying to herself or to me doesn't matter... in the end, I was the one that got hurt. I really never thought she'd do that. Leave me hanging when I basically had nothing left to hold onto.

Still, I believe in good people.

I am not to tell my best friend that I'm keeping the baby.

I am not to tell my cousin that I'm keeping the baby.

I am to be silent.

And why?

For what?

What's wrong with telling the truth? What's wrong with being open?

I don't care if people talk. They don't mean anything to me. They are not worth my time.

So then WHY am I spending so much energy making sure that these people, these people who I don't even care about, are given priority?

Being given the opportunity to remain at home until I can create some financial stability is a gift. It is very generous of my parents to stand by me.

But am I supposed to repay them with a removal of my 'self'?

Am I really supposed to turn away from my principle of honesty, which is so important to me, in order to thank them?

Or should I just keep my mouth shut and appreciate everything they are doing for me?

Do I value myself over them?

I pray to God everyday that He finds someway to give me money.

Give me my independence back so that I may find a way to live MY life.

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